stress....stuff....venting

so, I was watching pauly shore's youtube channel.....and he started the topic about how he's dated women that have a side hustle and a lot of them are dominitrix....however, it's spelled....and he was trying to be sympathetic that women felt that they needed to do that cos their income isn't enough to pay the bills....

for me.....I could never do that. I have a compassionate servant's heart....not a slave....not a doormat......a compassionate servants heart. I take joy in making something to eat for a guy and making him happy....and giving him a massage on his shoulders if he's feeling tense and stressed. I like taking care of a guy.....I don't have it in me to be abusive. that's not me.

and it did conjure bad feelings from my past of adults at the facility that raised me telling me that I was too stupid to go to college and how I'd grow up to become a stripper and at best go to community college....

hearing how you're not pretty enough....you're not smart.....you're not this...you're not that.....daily and being yelled at daily.....it deleted and took away who I used to be before my dad died. -when my dad died.....basically who I was.....also died.

after I graduated college that I put myself through by NOT being a stripper......I returned out west where some of my family lives (I have cousins in California, Indiana, Arizona...distant family in Michigan and Indiana and California as well as Missouri and Illinois).....and my older sister lives in Arizona.....my baby brother that is autistic lives in New Mexico....and here I am.....in Texas....

the reality that I was not loved or accepted on the daily....it was rejection that I don't think anyone can understand really.....I hated that facility. -school was my safety.....I liked going to school to get away.....and I liked working to also get away....anything that kept me from going home...

and also just to clarify....the facility was NOT free.....my dad's death benefits went to pay for me to live there....in addition....I only got a small percentage of my paychecks from working.....and I also had to sing at whatever church that they wanted me to sing at.....they used my ugly face on their stupid brochures and stuff to send out to ask for more money......and I was the only legal orphan that they has since the 1950's.....so, they milked the shit out of that....

and oh...lol....those people at churches would tell, "you're not an orphan, Anna. You have Jesus".....um....ok.....sure.....he can physically hug me and tell me that he loves me, right? -no he can't.....humans do that....of which I don't have in my life.....I am alone....I am rejected....that is me....

so, after college....I went out west to work and to have a connection with my family cos I was tired of being alone.....and they all said that the facility and how I grew up changed me too much....and they rejected me all over again....lol....

and I tried to understand it.....I was like, "ok, I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't party. I have never been in trouble with the law. I put myself through college working 3 jobs at the same time. Why am I a bad person? Why am I a reject? Why does my own family hate me?"

those questions will never be answered. I can't change it. I have to accept that I'm not loved by my family or anyone...it is what it is....I exist....I work.....I play pokemon go....lol.....I do other nerdy shit.....and I put myself through graduate school as a double major......one of those majors being Classical Voice (opera)....and piano....of which I don't use to perform anywhere.....lol...

anyway, that's it....

I'm overwhelmed.....I am stressed out. I moved from Dallas to this city (Temple) known to be a medical town cos of the hospitals and schools to train doctors....and I drive all the way to Austin for work daily (it's 2 hours one way.....mornings and evenings are both brutal).....but losing a job and not having a paycheck for two months....when I was already behind financially cos I had just moved.....well....I have a job....but the cost of gas...and the fact that I'm in debt right now....ugh......I know in the Spring it'll be better cos I'll have my income tax return.....but right now....shit sucks.

I'm trying to keep my shit together....but stress and financial stress sucks.

and it sucks that I keep attracting crazy guys.

my former Jewish mentor used to just tell me, "just get out quick. don't stay in a relationship when you know they're crazy." -so, I try to remember that.....I can't control who I attract....but at least I can control the situation of NOT putting myself in a bad relationship....when I can tell a guy is crazy or on drugs or alcohol......not worth dating or thinking that they are going to get better......they aren't.....

and also, I'm vulnerable right now....and I need to not feel sorry for guys and date them and ignore the warning bells.....cos they sure don't care if they are taking advantage of me.....

it scares me to let guys know I have no family and that I'm alone....I don't want to be taken advantage of any more....I just want a guy to go, "you know....that sucks. your family sucks. but you got me. I love you....I got your back. you got my back....lets roll." -I'd be like, "cool. lets do this....and lets have lots of passionate sex"....unless his face looks like my dog's ass....then that's gonna be a tough one....lol....

that's it. thanks

date....

so I'll write about something interesting and then the next blog will be venting. hahaha.

ok, so last night was playing pokemon go.....yeah yeah....whatever...it's a fun game that forces me (an introvert) into going outside and interacting with people.....

I've been hit on by a lot of them in the group.....I don't look the "type" to play the game cos I actually take a shower and I'm not 300 pounds and I'm cute.....

so anyway, one of the guys spontaneously asked me out to eat/date....and I was like, "we gotta go somewhere cheap cos I'm on a budget".....and so he offered to pay....and I was like, "ok cool. thanks.".....he wanted Mediterranean for some reason and offered mexican....to be honest...I think he was trying to figure out what I am as far as race......so many Texans are perplexed by my olive skin and frizzy hair.......anyway, without a plan or anything we just take our own cars and meet up at the Olive Garden...lol....so I did the soup and salad cos it's expensive to eat there as it is....and I'm not looking to break this guy's bank and not a greedy person. I'm a minimalist......well I say that, but yet I do love my Victoria Secrets stuff and my lotions and my silver jewelry from James Avery....and going to concerts and comic con's.....so, I got some balance in there....but I don't look the type to be high maintenance cos I'm not....I'm not shallow...

anyway, barely know the guy.....and he basically tells me his whole live and then wants to know about my life. -well, my life sucks...lol. I grew up in a more serious level of foster care....I was raised in a long-term facility with evolving adults and evolving social workers and the kids evolved, too. -nothing was consistent, except that I wan't loved and the adults and kids were all crazy and abusive towards me.....

so, I hate the questions about, "where are your parents?" and "you have an accent, why are you in Texas".....yes, I'm from Detroit.....I sound like a "yankee".....ok.....can't be helped. My parents are both dead....and I don't have anyone......and I hate explaining that. I'd rather be asked anything than to be asked about my parents and family. I hate that question so much.

so dude told me about his life.....he was married for 25 years....he's 47....he is a former cop and was injured in the line of duty and disabled......he was working in a state that had snow and he and his partner were asked to do a traffic thing to make people slow down and stop.....and he was out of his vehicle and a guy in a pickup truck hit him. -gave the guy TBI.....which I could tell from certain things about him....poor guy forgets what he was talking about a lot.....so he has traumatic brain injury and he told me that he doesn't have a stomach, because they had to use his stomach to repair his esophagus and he was on a feeding tube for a couple years and in physical therapy for 3 years and had to take speech therapy to learn to talk again. -just super sad.....and his wife was his care taker and he resented her and was in a lot of pain daily and wanted to just die...and he loved being a cop and meeting people and it was all taken away......but he's still best friends with his ex-wife....they just don't love each other.

so, I listened to all that....and guy pulls out his phone to show me that his squad car recorded him being hit by the truck with the video that all cop cars have......and his phone kept losing signal and I was like, "good I don't want to have to watch that!"......so, he keeps trying and wants me to see it....and I asked him, "doesn't this bother you to see and hear this? you're moaning in pain. I can't....." and he said the video doesn't bother him....but hearing himself moaning in pain does....

my mom died in a car accident....and I have been hit head on twice by assholes in Dallas......I really didn't want to watch his accident.....but amazing that the guy survived....

and I told him that I felt that he must have a purpose to survive something so traumatic.

he told me that he's not a believer in God or Jesus right now and how people have said dumb shit to him that it was God's plan. I told him that shitty things are not God's plans for us.....lol.....I told him that guy in the truck is the one that is at fault.....plain and simple on that....and he could had died....but   God helped him.....cos the amount of surgeries that he had to have....and the fact that he survived.....it's amazing that he survived that....

anyway, guy wants to go on a second date....insisted that I take his phone number cos I was like, "yeah you can just send me a dm in facebook even though we aren't facebook friends and I'll answer it".....he said that he's more old fashioned.....so, I took his name and number and put it in my phone, but I didn't text him....so he doesn't have my number.

dude asked about why my family (aunts and uncles, etc.) didn't take me in and why they abandoned me when my Dad died.......that question has only been asked a couple times in my life....usually people don't have the balls to say that. But this guy has traumatic brain injury...which means his filter and impulses aren't in control.....so he's kinda like a child that just blurts out what comes to his head....

anyway, I told him that they are all military and too screwed up to raise me.......I am aware that they abandoned me.....and it is what it is.....knowing you're not loved as a kid makes you hate yourself...and I have to continually work on not hating myself to the point that I have....it's a battle that very few people would understand.

anyway, he then asks me how long my lease is and how much it would cost to break it....

asked me if I date much and if I want to get married or have kids. -I told him a strong "noooooo" to all those questions....

so since dude stared at me like he's in love on a first date and got so heavy......this is a nope.

I don't look to fix guys and I don't look to lead guys on. I am not that type of person. So, I won't be texting that guy....and I'm not interested in a relationship with him....

marriage? I don't know....it's a piece of paper that basically gives lawyers a ton of money as well as asshole judges if it doesn't work out. I hate the system. I have no desire to have to pay a worthless lawyer and judge any money to get out of a bad relationship. -if you're committed like Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn......cool.....

I'd really really really have to trust that a guy genuinely has my back and isn't out to use me in some way.....especially financially.

I want to love a guy and cook for him and all that and take care of him.....but I'm not getting stuck with some guy that needs to be fixed....that has intimacy issues....that is crazy and wants to marry me on the first date......and not dating a guy that is an addict.

I just want a normal dude. I have no idea where they are.....I hate the dating sites.....nothing but sex addicts on there and most of them are married, too.....I'd rather meet a guy in person or if it's on social media.....I like to watch and observe his behavior for a while. -one guy....he posted a ton of stuff that showed he was a narcissist and has intimacy issues.....and was unbalanced with extreme liberal beliefs and was very negative......so, I quickly unfollowed and blocked him. -I think this other guy assumed that I was talking about him.....so he barely posts stuff any more.....and I'm like, "no it was not you!" -oh well....

anyway, yeah I don't know.....lol....I guess this was kind of a downer. sorry

crazy women....

so a crazy woman that is very cut-throat and out for her self....and only her self.....that I worked with at another company is also working at my job and is new, too. she cuts corners and lies....and yet no one sees that she is leaving training early and doing whatever it is that she goes off and does....

she tried to manipulate me by telling me that she is in "recovery" and had to go get treatment for her addictions and mental health.....and how her dad molested her or something sexual and yet she talks to him and uses his stuff for bank and met her husband in "recovery" at some 12 step meeting and he makes tons of money and gets free vacations. she is a very shallow woman. she is a very rude woman. she talks over me and on top of me and excludes me from conversations. -I've decided that I don't care about that any more. -she also tries to either leave before me or after so that we are not walking together to the parking lot....which is super petty and crazy. -but whatever. she is a ruthless woman that tried hard to get me fired from a job and I left cos of her and a few other women that ganged up on me......

they hate me for not being a "recovering" drug/alcohol addict.....gee so sorry that I chose not to trash my mind and body....

and she makes sure to throw in the pity shit for attention about how she is on a lot of vitamins and has to see a therapist for her "somatic" symptoms of her serious stomach issues...and how she can't eat gluten. -whatever....lol....and she talks about she takes meds for her anxiety (probably abuses them since she's an addict).....

anyway, I shouldn't let her get under my skin.....I shouldn't. -and I should get over the fact that she is a cut-throat bitch and competitive. -she is super competitive....

so, I'm trying to pray about it and not let her get to me.....but she tried hard along with a couple other women to get me fired at the prior job.....she is a cunt...but I've thrown in a couple obvious statements about that company that we both worked at and have stated, "I left there cos they were not team players"......so, that's my small/big way to say, "she's not a team player" and they'll either note that or not make note of that and care or not care and that's up to them....

and I realize I don't fit in with these women at the office at my job.....they talk so much about their migraines and their stomach issues and about their anxiety and new age this and vitamins and all this crazy shit....cos well, they're crazy.

today they both started gossiping about a couple women that left the company (which basically created our positions) and I automatically went into my head and looked at my computer cos well, I'm bored of hearing about them gossip about other women and complain about their health issues.....I'm just over it.

and one of them asked about my scar on my neck....I said, "well, I had a tracheotomy cos I almost died and I have life-long severe asthma".....and they gasped and I went back to working as if they asked me about what my favorite color is......I don't care that they noticed my scar....and I don't care that my medical issues actually shut them down and made them realize their bullshit is bullshit....I don't care.....

life is so short. why spend it talking constantly about your anxiety, your medical issues, your migraines, your this and your that.....why? especially at work.....it's boring. I don't care.

it's why I like having guy friends.....I like laughing and shooting the shit with guys. -not to say I can't get deep.....I'm all about being deep. -but listening to constant wining about gluten and shit....that's not deep....that's pretentious shallow and lame.....I don't care about their gluten. I'd rather exchange dark humor and inappropriate memes with a buddy or two.....or talk about patterns going on in the world or about anything than to hear a woman bitch and wine.....just no.

so.....I've made the decision that I'm going to just do my job....not socialize or care about the women's health and their issues and just focus on work.......I don't care that they can't eat gluten....and all that is  in their head and not real anyway....the fact that the one gal has to go to counseling cos she has been to the medical doctor so much that they know her symptoms and problems are cos she's crazy tells you a lot.....I do feel sorry for her.....but I don't feel sorry enough to fall for her manipulation and let her fuck me over on this job....

then this other lady called me and wanted to brag about how much money she and her husband makes and then brag about her kids and all this stuff....and I was like, "this lady knows that I grew up in foster care and I'm a single mom and chooses to call me out of the blue at random times in the year to brag about her life......why would you need to call a single mom that's a former foster kid? -pathetic pretentious bitch.....don't need this "friend" to have my number to text and call me any more......so as she bragged about how she had a busy life and needed to get off the phone....I told her "ok. I'll let you go do that. I need to make dinner. bye!" and then I blocked and deleted her number.

what the heck???

thankfully not all women are this insane.

I had a woman call me last week from a ministry that I donate money when I'm in the position to donate that is.....and I briefly told her what was going on with me, "I'm a single mom, I grew up in foster care. I am having a really hard time with a lot of different stuff. I tried to reach out to my church and this guy that worked in one of the departments that I never met before started yelling at me for 20 minutes......then the facility that used me and took 100% of my dad's death benefits also said some nasty shit to me when I reached out......" and it threw me through a hopelessness that I hope I never feel again......anyway, she prayed for me and was super sweet and caring and that really helped me and gave me the hope that I really needed. -the ministry is through Derek Prince ministry if you happen to read this and need a down to earth person that is not a counselor...but a caring person to just listen to you briefly tell her what's going on with you and pray for you......it really helped me.

I'm going to start another thread about other stuff in my head.....

bye ! :)

meth is taking down America

Some sources say that crystal methamphetamines was created by the scientist that worked to keep Hitler healthy and going......and that Hitler and his military all took crystal methamphetamines to have stamina to keep fighting without the need to sleep....

other sources claim it started in Hawaii....

doesn't really matter at this point about where or how it started does it? not really.

what matters is the fact that it's smuggled into America and is a cheap drug and basically an epidemic that is just not talked about.....not like opioids, heroin and crack.

a couple weeks ago I was watching the National Geographic channel and it had a documentary about how Amphetamines by the masses are manufactured in both China and India and Mexican cartels purchase masses quantities and then use it to make crystal methamphetamines and smuggle it into America to sell...

look at the rise in the homeless population in California, Washington, Arizona, Texas......even other states that are super "hick" and doesn't seem the type to have a meth problem has a meth problem......states like Oklahoma and Missouri......

https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/02/asia/asia-methamphetamine-golden-triangle-intl/index.html

the Mexican cartel don't care about the "wall".....they just go under it....

so what can we do??? 

amphetamines are in allergy meds.....they use it to make meds to treat ADHD.....so then those poor kids become addicted to it and often become meth addicts as adults....so it's not always just losers that use...it's also kids..

I don't think it's necessary to be in allergy meds to be honest.....I don't know why they manufacture allergy meds to have amphetamines in it.......I'm not a chemist....my cousin is...he lives in Evansville and is a brilliant chemist with a doctorate....and he could probably explain the chemistry formula of it......but I still don't think it's necessary to have it in allergy medication.....

anyway, wish our government cared enough to do more against China, India and Mexico.......this is an epidemic.....the legalizing it isn't the answer.....taking it away completely is the only way to eradicate this epidemic.....

and sad fact......it damages and changes the brain......I don't know a single person that used meth that isn't Bipolar.....

I wish I could find the documentary from National Geographic, but it's not on their website or on youtube.....sorry.....

but kinda makes you wonder what the bigger picture is.....what is to gain in creating so many homeless people in America??? -especially since white guys more than anything use crystal methamphetamines....

sad. 

boundaries....

so, on my other blog I posted about Boundaries....

why are they important......well, kinda like good fences makes good neighbors....

so, it's something I definitely have to keep working on.....

it's hard for me, because my Dad was an extremely blunt man.....he told you exactly what he thought and did not care about your "feels"......I guess that's a "yankee" thing?? Kinda weird cos although he was born in a northern state....he was raised in Indiana and lived on farms and out in the country.....so, it surprises me that he ended up with the personality that he had.....but also....when I think about the life he had....which was far from easy....in fact, he had a very difficult childhood and had to learn how to be strong and learn to stand up for himself quickly.....

and the way he was.....kinda prepared me for losing him and being raised in a long-term facility....So, at the facility was tough....I obviously wasn't loved....wasn't treated great (lol....so diminishing the seriousness of how abusive it was)....but I had a revolving door of adults in and out of my life and social workers in and out of my life....and basically I had to be honest and tell them exactly what was going on or whatever.....I didn't have privacy....it wasn't aloud....I wasn't aloud to go for walks to cool down like I did when I was a kid.....so it changed me.....

I wasn't aware of how much the facility changed me until my family pointed it out....as well as my sister.....and being rejected for having changed and not being the same person that I was prior to my dad's death and prior to being in a long-term facility......it's like I died with my dad....

and so I've had to fight hard not to hate who I am....who I've become....what I look like (which I got singled out a lot for looking different)....and in that.....I've had to learn it's ok to keep things to myself and be private.....

so boundaries......not letting people walk all over me, take advantage of me, asking me intrusive questions (which I still have to work on not answering the intrusive questions, because it was ingrained to answer those by the adults at the facility)....

I think about the co-workers that I have that have told me all about themselves and about how they go to therapists and one works on being an addict and is in recovery......

and it's weird....people have opened up and have told me deep stuff that's not my business....since I was a kid.....

when I was working at this retail store....the manager decided to put me in the men's department to sell men's suits and business outfits.....and I was like, "but I'm a teenaged girl. I don't know anything about men!" -it definitely helped me to over-come my extreme shyness and forced me to have to talk to people and be friendly.....but these adults would come back and buy clothes from me and tell me about their problems....and I was like, "what am I? the retail-therapist?"

it's weird how easily people open up to me and tell me their life story. -my ex-boyfriend who has to be the constant center of attention and is super needy (he was definitely the girl of our relationship and he agreed about that...lol)....anyway, he'd get super irritated and said that we can't go anywhere without someone telling me their life story and all their problems....

so, when it comes to boundaries......it's important to also redirect someone that is using your valuable time by telling you a ton of their problems that have nothing to do with your job.....because then they'll think they can use you for free therapy and just keep dumping on you....and then I become overwhelmed and behind in doing my job cos I was listening to people's problems.....

but anyway......boundaries are important, because it helps you to respect yourself....to show people that you are worthy of respect....and it actually helps you to improve your self-esteem.....I actually feel better about myself when I'm using boundaries and see the other person is starting to respect me.

and I ask myself.....do I really owe them an explanation? do I owe them anything? do I owe them my money that I worked for? do I owe them my time? do I owe them anything??? -no I don't......and I need to keep working on realizing that when people make demands and want to know why I don't have parents....why I'm single.....why this....why that.....it's actually none of their business.....I don't owe them anything.....it's mine.....it's my body......I don't owe some random guy that took me out on one lousy date....sex.....I need to be ok with having boundaries and not worry about the other person's feelings, because they don't care about my feelings when they take things away from me....

I do want to clarify that I believe in compassion and want to show people love. But I am working on boundaries, because there's no reason that you can't still show love and compassion but also setting a boundary......you can't rescue them.....and if they don't want to work on themselves...there's nothing that you can do to help them....and lowering your boundaries to accommodate....or fit in....or whatever the motive is to lower your boundaries....it's wise to keep them...but not do it in a way that's mean or passive-aggressive......do it respectfully to make them go...."oh...there's a property fence there that I need to respect".....

for example....this big guy that was a complete stranger looked at me and said that I was little and then tried to actually grab me and pick me up.....I did a simple block that I learned in Kung Fu and he wasn't able to pick me up and he was surprised and he had this look like, "what just happened?" and he did not try to pick me up again and turned his back and walked away....I didn't have to kick his ass.....I just had to block him from violating me and it worked....it was simple...and it wasn't big moves like you see in movies with a kick, etc. I just used my forearms and I moved in a way that wasn't aggressive....but definitely wasn't passive....I just flowed....it was a sunny day outside....and he was obviously probably crazy....and I decided to remain calm and just handle the sudden situation and not allow him to violate me by touching me.....and he walked away and left me alone.

wall isn't going to happen

I get that we have a problem with a ton of illegals flooding in and homeless increasing....but it's not going to stop...

there is NOT going to be a wall.

it is hypocritical of peeps to get mad about the wall, especially since Mexico has one to keep out Venezuela.....and Israel has one....

good fences make good neighbors.....you have to have a fence or a wall to keep your property from being trespassed on.....

and to say, "just let all the illegals become legal...they're already here"....no that's not fair at all.

-I had to go through a clearance for my job....they took the standard two weeks to check me out in a national database to verify my license to do what I do...and a criminal background check. -screening people is part of any process....it's not illogical to do that...

even Billy Idol went through the process to become an American citizen....he didn't come here illegally and try to force himself in....he went through the process just as anyone has to and didn't get any special treatment for being a celebrity rockstar from England.

and it's not fair to just give all the illegals...citizenship and welfare benefits when there are so many other people from tons of other countries that are going through the process...and yes it takes time to go through it....and it's cos a lot of people want to come here.....I had friends from South Korea that were told to return to South Korea after they graduated from grad school....they did not try to stay illegally....they did try to get their citizenship....but it wasn't granted. -I had other friends from grad school that were from Bulgaria and they had to go through the process...the whole family....so the husband was approved first.....then finally the woman....and now they have a house and jobs and both of their sons are proud to be American citizens and are serving in the national guard or something like that....and they want to use the military benefits to go to college....so they don't expect welfare and free stuff....

getting back to the wall that's not going to happen.....it's not going to happen.

we are not being told something and I don't know what the motives are....but they are building a "super highway" that runs on a freeway in Texas called Interstate-35....it starts in Mexico and ends in Canada....

so for some reason......the government is just letting the media and the crazy hyper-liberal Hollywood peeps scream about how racist Trump is......meanwhile.....there is NOT going to be a wall and there's a super highway being constructed to connect all three countries together.....

what are the motives? why do we need a super highway to connect all countries ?? what is going on?? 

some might immediately assume it's the "one world government" that is being formed......well that's a possibility. 

I don't think we know anything and I think the real stuff is hidden....they let the media and Hollywood super crazed peeps like Alyssa Milano aka "please give me attention...I'm almost 50 and need the attention that I had when I was a child and when I was in my 20's".....just scream their crazy shit and meanwhile......behind the scenes.......all the real shit that is going on....it's like they want us all to be distracted by the media hype and the crazy liberal Hollywood peeps so that we won't ask questions and become aware of what's really going on...

I do think socialism.....communism is eventually going to happen and a dictator will reign....and it won't be Trump you silly things.....I think it will be a Muslim person to be honest....

I think the dictator will be charming at first....and manipulative....like Obama.....and then they'll turn hard into Stalin and start forcing shit. 

the gun stuff....the overly politically correct crap....it's like they want Hollywood and the media to do the work for them so they can slide in and make things communist and we won't even realize it until we lose all of our freedoms.....

just my opinion....but seems like this is where things are headed. 

rejection.....

rejection really does hurt....

I know everyone experiences it. But for me.....a person that grew up in the system....in sort of foster care......well a worse level....I was in an institution type of thing....but had freedom to go to public school.

anyway, it hurts being rejected....

when I moved to Texas and had an accent and dark curly hair....I was rejected immediately for looking different. to this day I get asked, "what are you".....as soon as I turned 16....to blend in....I started bleaching my hair....actually a friend of mine that played volleyball at the public high school talked me into doing it and we used peroxide on our hair.....

college was ok.....less rejection. I got engaged pretty fast to a guy that I was head over heals for....and his mother didn't like me for some reason....she told my ex-fiance that she thought I was "wild"....not sure why she felt that way.....I was working and paying for my own college and a good kid basically.....went to church and didn't drink or party.....I went to my college classes, did my school work and worked at my retail job. -at the moment that he broke up with me.....I said to myself, "I don't ever want to feel pain like this again. I felt this when my Dad died. I felt this when my family rejected me after my dad died and I had to live in abandoned cars and houses....I'm never dating a guy that I actually care about and not going to date another good guy again." -and I kept that promise and made a lot of horrible mistakes when it came to relationships following him.

going through constant abuse and rejection by the adults at the facility that raised me was awful....

getting fired from jobs, because a supervisor doesn't like me is super painful....and it's terrifying. they have power over my life and when they decide to fire me....being rejected by bosses and co-workers and excluded hurts......and I get that they don't like and don't trust "yankee's" and I know the field that I work in is extremely toxic as it is......but it hurts when they exclude me and bully me and fire me.

a very sweet female ENFP sent me links to read about bosses that are bullies and another INFJ guy told me to read up on narcissism and how bosses that are narcissistic tend to rise up to manager positions.

anyway, I get that it's really them....I listen to them talk and they dump on me about their personal issues and problems and I don't do that to them....I talk about work and stuff or previous work stuff....and they don't like that....

anyway, I'm not sure what to say. other than I prayed....and I had to pray hard, because getting abruptly fired for nothing and not having money for basic bills terrified me and made me just want to give up on this world and the people in it.....I get so tired of the "rat race" of working hard, not being appreciated, getting fired and not having money for bills....it's stressful.

but I'm still here......and I can't control the situation. I get that the boss that hired me is toxic and gamey and if he doesn't feel I'm a good fit...he might fire me and I'll be back in the same situation. So, I need to be smart with my money while I have it and pay some stuff off and try to save....

when guys reject me.....it doesn't hurt as much as being fired from a job...that has more power and is more terrifying.

I don't know what to do....

catching up....

so lol what a shit show.

so, got a raise in March......then two months later a woman was promoted from a different team to become our manager and she was absolutely awful.....in her 40's and never married...no pets.....clingy to her mom and sister.......and she used me for the entire day of July 3rd and then fired me and made sure I wouldn't get the holiday pay for July 4th.....she tried really hard to find anything she could against me.....but I made 95 as my lowest grade for my work....and usually got 100's.....so, I didn't say goodbye to anyone and just hung up on her as she was about to put me down after telling me that I was fired and packed up my stuff and shipped it back to the company.

I had a job interview two days later......and then two weeks later was hired and then had to pass security clearances.....and started this past Monday. -so trying to just survive and not have any money for rent, for my car, for anything......it sucks. I just withdrew money to have for gas and I'm driving to work that takes almost two hours to get to and from work each way.

so, today I finally got my internet back on after having it shut off last month as soon as I was told that I was fired to start cutting back on costs and bills.

so, the job I'm working is a corporate job.....and my boss has said multiple times that I'm on a probationary period for 90 days to see if I'm a "good fit".....which has caused me to have anxiety.......and the other lady he hired.....small world but I worked with her briefly at another job a few years ago (she's a cut-throat bitch).....and he has been sucking up to her and talking to her and texted her to let her know he'd be taking us out to lunch and said he's happy he hired her and all that shit.....and I'm just sitting there like, "what the fuck???" and on my first day...he unloaded about his past jobs and issues and I was like, "omg no boundaries" and he acted nice but then turned really fast and acts super annoyed if I talk. -then found out that most of the people at this company hate "northerner's" and consider me to be a yankee. -dumbasses.....Michigan is midwest....NOT north....but whatever.

so, I'm going to use it to get caught up on my bills and pay off some stuff as fast as I can.......and keep an eye out for another job since he doesn't seem to like me. I doubt he said that he wanted to make sure that the other lady that he hired would be a good fit.

so, all I can do is pray....

but this really does suck.