I was told by religious people that I was cursed for why I was an orphan. Was told I should had prayed harder for my dad not to have terminal cancer. Was told that I was stupid, ugly and that I had a “black heart as black as the ace of spades” and was going to hell.by one of the foster ladies. I literally had just got home from the school bus along with the other girls in our group home and she said all that to me in front of them.
So from day one of being orphaned…I’ve been abused in every way…and have felt like its me against the world with no one on my side…not even God.
From being told so much that I am cursed…I do this virtual group meeting on youtube with this priest that does a prayer over every one as a whole that attends.
I mowed my backyard tonight despite the 95 degree temperature and was drenched in sweat. Just wanted to take my frustrations out on the lawn for exercise because when I have to sit for 10 or 12 straight hours working…I get super stiff and hurt more. So I fry to stretch and move at least 5 days per week.
I am trying to forgive my awful managers and coworkers as well as the awful neighbors. They came out as soon as they saw me on their cameras (aimed at my yard and windows) finish mowing to bully me. They mocked me and brought all their dogs out to go after my dog. I ignored them. Focused on putting the bird feeders back up, emptying my lawn bag into a trash bag, etc.
Its so hard and lonely. The job is definitely toxic…I definitely meed a new job. The neighbors are terrible…I need to move .
I just wish I had one person in my life to love me and have a home with. But not sure God loves me enough to want that for me. I don’t know why.
my lease ends in October. I have to start saving to move and get movers this time…I don’t have the strength to move myself again. I am hoping to go to the library to use their computer to update my resume. my laptop doesn’t have Word or Microsoft products and I’m not paying the cray high price to have it.
thanks for reading xx
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