2019 was awful....2020 not much better

2019 was a complete shit-show.....actually life has been really difficult for me since 2013....

2013 a guy that was a manager, because he was demoted from his position of Director at my company was angry that I didn't want to hang out with him (he was married with kids)....and anyway he became tough to work for....so I transferred and worked at this department that was low paying and working under people that were "recovering addicts" and they made my life even more hell than that manager....they kept telling me crap that they could tell that I've never done drugs and that I should transfer back to the department that I came from....which I tried and my attempt was blocked....so then I got let go.....then my dog of 16 years died.....then on my way to church a guy ran a red light and totaled my car....and he contested the ticket he got for running the red light and the cop that ticketed him didn't show up to court, because he stopped being a police officer....so his ticket was plead down to no contest and the judge told me and my lawyer that we couldn't bring up his ticket so his lawyer painted him to be a good Christian and tried to manipulate it to it being me that ran the red light....in the end I got nothing....and rolled the debt from that car into another one.

I've worked at all the jobs that had a bad reputation just to have a job....it put me through a lot emotionally and wasn't great for my mental health.....but had to do it to take care of my son and I....

I worked at Starbucks who refused to include me on the tips and refused to pay me the wages owed from working for 2 months.....and they had me do all the hard grunt work of taking all trash out....washing two sinks full of dishes.....cleaning bathrooms....sometimes allowing me to take home food that was going to be tossed in the trash or donated as it was expired.....I kept working cos the manager kept stringing me along, "I'm working on it hand in there," and "I promise you'll get paid this week." it was awful....

so....I had gotten my masters and though it'd make a difference in helping me to get better jobs and help me to better provide for my son and I and pay the bills.....it hasn't made a difference at all....and the jobs are just as toxic.

my son had a botched surgery...and had to have another to correct it....and I asked for prayer....none of my friends cared or even said they'd send warm thoughts and prayers on social media.....none of them prayed for me or said anything when I had to have surgery.....none of them wanted to go with me and sit with me as emotional support during my son's surgeries.

My church has been cold and mean....and they aren't emotionally supportive either. They had me send them my bank information, all my bills and then told me that they weren't going to help me late at night before my scheduled appointment to meet with them the next day.

so, my plan is to try to go to college again for a nursing degree since that is a high demand job and better pay.....

but right now....I'm terrified.....my bank is in the negative....all my bills are behind....my phone is about to get shut off....which I have to have a phone to get job interviews....so it's been so tough...I don't know what to do....

and I haven't been getting my mail like I'm supposed to......and told by the usps to drive 3 hours to my former address' post office and put the change of address there as the post office in the town where I live never bothered to update my address.....

it just seems that things are getting worse and worse and I pray and try.....I mess up...but I pray and try again....and can't get through to 2 prayer lines to call for prayer....and no one cares....

I obviously can't give up since I have a kid....but I really want to....I hate fighting the world and just don't have much strength to keep doing it.....it's a losing battle....

I feel like God has forgotten me and forsaken me....I don't know what to do to please Him and get him to help me....I have no one else....God is all I have....and not even God seems to care....

so, I don't know what to do....

#ENFP characters

#ENFP characters

#StarLord   #GuardiansOfTheGalaxy

#SaraDeever  Sweet November

#Shazam (not the kid/BillyBatson)    #Shazam 

#Jiraiya    #Naruto #NarutoShippuden

#ESFJ characters

#ESFJ characters

#CerseiLanister  #GameOfThrones

#AmyDunne  #GoneGirl 

#ReginaGeorge  #MeanGirls 

#EdwardStampler   #PrimalFear

#ESTJ characters

#ESTJ characters

#MirandaPriestly from Devil Wears Prada

#CaptainKirk    #StarTrek

#WillRiker   #StarTrekNextGeneration 

#SansaStark  #GameOfThrones 

#Thor

#ISTJ characters

#ISTJ characters

#CaptainAmerica

#CaptainMarvel

#Woody from #ToyStory 

#Worf from #StarTrekNextGeneration 

#ISFJ characters

#ISFJ characters

#Sakura from Naruto and Naruto Shippuden

#SamwiseGamgee from #LOTR 

#Groot from #GuardiansOfTheGalaxy 

#INFJ characters

#INFJ characters

#JonSnow  from Game of Thrones

#WilliamWallace 

#Nagato 

#INFP chartacters

#INFP personality characters

#Daenerys from Game of Thrones

#Rey from Star Wars

#AnakinSkywalker / #DarthVader

#Sasuke from Naruto and Naruto Shippuden

#LexLuthor

#INTJ characters

characters that are #INTJ

#Batman (definitely INTJ)

#TheCrow

#Obi-Wan 

#JohnWick 

#TheEqualizer

#Shikamaru 

#KyloRen

#DocMartin

#ENTP characters

here's some fictional characters that are #ENTP types:

#KevinLomax   #TheDevilsAdvocate

#Quicksilver from the movie, X-Men: Days of Future Past:

#BugsBunny

The #Joker from the Batman Animated series

#Tobi from Naruto Shippuden 

#Deadpool

#IronMan / #TonyStark 

moi....INTJ, etc. etc.

I was reading a post about INTJ women....it said that we expect a professional way for intimate relationships ?? I was like, "what?"

I can't speak for all INTJ's or all INTJ women or Enneagram Type 5's....I'm going to speak for me:

first of all, when a guy likes me....unfortunately I don't pick up on it....I think it's cos I'm in my head too much.....but I've had tons of guys from High School and College tell me that they had a crush on me and didn't have the never to ask me out cos they found me intimidating....I was like, "what?" -I had no clue and it's a shame....some of these guys are great guys and would had been interesting to see what would had happened had they asked me out !

so....if you don't tell me....I'm not going to pick up on subtle hints....I don't pick up on that....I just don't. you have to be blunt and just tell me that you like me and want to go out...

don't be creepy and tell me the typical annoying stuff that guys on twitter and instagram say, "nice smile"..."you're cute"...."nice tits".....crap like that is actually annoying....

if you just say something silly or funny....I respond to that better than the lame crap that I just wrote above....

I had one friend from college claim that he was in a secret job and that he had to call me and not to text....and all this weird stuff.....guess what....truth was he is married. I deleted his ass from my facebook.

another guy claimed his wife and kids died in a wreck.....my mom died in a wreck...I didn't tell him that....but it did tug at my heart strings....and he claimed he was mute and couldn't talk....so he had to text and he texted me constantly.....it was overwhelming how much he text me throughout the day and he quickly went from being friendly to sexual.....then I told him that I couldn't afford the rates to constantly text him....which was the truth.....he became upset by that and deleted his youtube channel and changed his phone number.....THEN....found the jerk on another youtube page cos the guy isn't bright....and turned out that he completely lied about his wife and kids being dead and the thing is....people sat and watched him lie to me and still his friends on his new youtube page.....I just couldn't believe it. -a friend of mine that was a British guy and ISFJ....he figured out quickly that the guy was bad news.....and he ended up being right. The married guy's personality type was ESFJ.....every ESFJ that I've dealt with are straight from hell and for some reason people love them. They lie and are so manipulative....yuk !!! never again !

so, don't play games with me....don't lie to me.....don't tell me a bunch of nonsense crap that isn't true....eventually the truth will come out and you'll never hear from me again....fact.

my love language results are:
1. physical (not just sex....I love cuddling...holding hands.....kissing....or just laying next to each other and vegging to tv)....

2. quality time....I love spending time alone with a guy.....means a lot....doesn't have to be spectacular or flashy....can be a simple date....as long as it's meaningful....if he's a cheapskate all the time....well that's not cool...but flashing money all the time isn't cool either....once in a while doing something together or just hanging....

3. words of affirmation.....so unlike most women that have this need first...I don't....I do like hearing that I'm loved and stuff....nice to know if the guy thinks I look good in an outfit and he's turned on.....nice to hear validations or telling me that I did a good job at something.....

4. acts of service.....that's doing something and being helpful without me having to ask.....low score...but still nice to have a guy do something out of the blue without me having to do it or having to ask him for help...

5. gifts was only a score of 1. -I haven't had many gifts in my life...I don't know how to respond when I get them. My dad did get me Christmas gifts...but cos my birthday is right after Christmas....he usually just combined it and said, "here you go" and I just understood that the gift was both. -my autistic brother didn't get birthday gifts....my older sister did. I've never had a birthday cake....ever. I don't know how to respond to gifts....guys that I've dated have been cheapskates and stole from me....they were takers not givers....

I love the stars....I love watching movies.....I'm ok with going to live hockey games....basketball and baseball games are ok....not keen on football. -I won't watch it if it's on tv though......I played softball and soccer back in the day but really don't care about sports.

I'm a mixed mutt....so aside from my personality....cultures that affected/trickled down to make me who I am: Swiss....I'm reserved, but kind, smart, caring.....English....I'm polite and have manners....Scottish and Irish....slight temper...but expressive...passionate....ramble and probably not the best story-teller...lol...Norwegian...not sure about that one...Jewish...assertive and not afraid to say what I think sometimes....sometimes I hold back...depends...

I'm pretty simple..it's not hard.

to me...if someone likes me and wants to figure me out....ask me....it's not hard...and after a while you'll probably figure me out better than I can explain it if you're Intuitive....

I guess that's it ? lol thanks xxx

hot guys part 2

I was tired and stressing about the job fair that I was going to so I left out a couple guys.....so here they are: 

Arthur Darvill.....total sweetheart and charmer......gosh still cannot believe I thought he was gay.....we had some serious chemistry that still surprises me....he's freaking sexy in person....huge green eyes.....yum !!! He's married of coarse....so I can look but can't order from that menu ! much like most of the guys on the other list....oh well. 

Michael Rosenbaum.....I could had met him twice and was broke both times he was at Comic Cons in my areas of Texas..... *cries*.....well...he seems like a good egg....I actually think we'd click if I met him....but who knows cos I've been constantly broke :'( .....kinda worried he might be a jerk. I met Kevin Sorbo and although he's still pretty and we did click and he flirted with me.....which literally shocked me and just....wow......when I sat in his panel.....that turned me off....he is so bitter and narcissistic....and that's why he can't get any more jobs in Hollywood not cos he's a republican and a Christian.....if he wasn't so bitter and an asshole....he might still get some jobs...he's a good looking man....but dang.....get rid of the bitterness dude....and learn to be grateful and humble....but he is pretty and I was in Heaven when he put his arm around me....like holy cow....but someone needs to have a real moment with him and talk to him as a man to man and tell him that he needs to get rid of his bitterness....forgive....move on and be humble....

Brendan Fraser. -I don't care that he's chunky now....I'd still fuck his brains out if he would let me....hahaha.....I sat in his panel and he's so adorable....I can tell what his personality is from it....and pretty certain he's an Enneagram Type 5 and not sure if he's an Extrovert or Introvert....but I think he might be an Introvert despite being a former "A list" actor and action star....He seems like the hell he went through from his divorce and the rejection from Hollywood after making them so much money in his 20's and 30's....has humbled him and he's not bitter....but he is broken and it made me just want to hug him and hold him and tell him, "I got you....just rest in my arms and have a good cry...then we'll go for a nice walk....have a picnic and laugh and stuff"......yup...he may not look like these pictures any more....but I don't care...he's still a good looking man and I like his personality....he's adorable. 

I guess that's it. thanks xxx

relationships.....moi

there was a post on my thread on personality cafe talking about that those that are single are judged and thought to be basically screwed up and having something wrong with them for why they're single....AND that those that are single choose to be single to keep people safe from having to deal with them cos they're screwed up......

like what the fuck to that nonsense !!!! Do you know how many crazy people aren't single and have no qualms with dragging someone into their toxic mess....

I don't mind a little baggage....but these peeps got a U-Haul.....like the biggest one, too....

anyway.....that nonsense is not true.

what is true is everyone had a fear of rejection....you are afraid no one will truly accept you for you and understand you and love you.....AND you're probably afraid of abandonment.....especially men....some men are super scared of commitment cos they're afraid to open themselves up to loving another person....being vulnerable and then being abandoned.....whilst the other half are d-bags and want to play the field and are selfish.....

me....I am not assertive when it comes to work and feel like a slave. I don't feel like this with a guy.....I'm assertive and honest.....genuine and love caring for a man. I miss cooking for a man and making him satisfied and making him feel loved and cared for.....and snuggling....sex....talking....laughing.....there's things that men do that you just can't get from relationships with others.....

I love my dog....but he isn't going to fulfill me and satisfy my needs....especially sexual cos gross.....I'm not into bestiality or a crazy furry....yuk.

lol anyway, yeah I miss being with a guy....feeling his strong arms.....looking into the eyes.....saying nothing.....just gazing......fucking his brains out and making him tired....lol.....staying up all night talking and laughing....I want a guy to do this with.....pretty simple.

but I do have standards and boundaries. I won't date a felon. I won't date a guy that is an addict and struggling with alcohol, hard drugs like cocaine, meth, crack, speed, opioids, etc., etc. 

This is what I want:

I want a giver because I'm a giver. -guys that are givers are giving of their time, of different things, are usually great in bed cos they like giving....lol....

guys that aren't giving want's oral all the time and doesn't give it back....that's an empty unfulfilling relationship and not something I want to do again....

I want a guy that's independent.....living independently on his own....pays his own bills able to buy me dinner and have a proper date. -you wouldn't believe how many guys are complete losers that live off of other people and won't grow up and be responsible.....that's a huge red flag of being an addict and probably a felon....especially if he's on the older end of millennial or a Gen X...

I come from a family of atheists and agnostics. I've dated guys that are atheists and agnostics. they usually miss me immediately when I dump them...but they drag me down and they make fun of my beliefs and aren't respectful....I don't help them by being a Christian.....I don't save them....they drag me down and I watch as I drift away from God and become cynical and angry....my beliefs are all I have....I don't have family....and if you take God away from me....well, you're left with a 5'4" woman that has a lot of anger.....I'm not abusive....but I know that I become short and talk less....become withdrawn and just crawl into my shell and stay in this angry state....it's not good for me.....I have to have spirituality to keep me in check and keep me grounded....and bring joy to me...

people get mad at me for having joy....they think it's fake. it's not...it's from God....you definitely don't want to meet me without it....like I said....I'm angry....moody....and I don't like myself like that...and I'm sure that's not pleasant to be around....

I want a guy that is truly kind.....and not just to show off, "hey I'm a good guy.....see".....no I watch and observe how a guy is with people that he deems are insignificant. -if he ignores certain people and talks condescending and short with them....doesn't give them eye contact and is rude....I know he is going to be that way towards me in the big picture....not to say he has to be that way constantly....we all have our bad days and are human....I'm saying if he is like that every time we go out somewhere or if I see him interact with others and he acts like that....and it's not in a joking way and a truly unkind and narcissistic way...

a guy that is smart...I can't be with a dumb guy....they're super boring....and talk in circular patterns.....they focus on shallow stuff, "uh....cowboys...uh....hot chick that I'm going to flirt with in front of you like you don't exist......uh....truck....uh.......guns....uh I went to the gym....look at my arms...ignore my legs....I know they're twigs...uh....I'm awesome.....uh....duh..." -yuk !!!!

I do need to be attracted to him cos I'm not going to fuck the brains of some guy that doesn't turn me on.....same for him.....so understandable....and if he wants me in better shape....then he should go on walks with me and stuff like that....but not go, "ay....gonna make you a gym rat and go 24/7 and become so muscular that you look like a dude and make me question my sexuality".....nope...

that's it....I don't feel those are high expectations or unreasonable.

I've tried dating fat guys, bald guys, guys that aren't smart, guys that have a ton of baggage.......they're not worth it....I might as well go for what I want and like and not settle.....those guys are just as bad as dating a great looking guy that treats you like shit....they're no different.....been there done that and tried it....

so.....that's it....

hot guys right now

these are some guys that I think are hot right now....not that I'm a flake and it changes constantly.....I just like the way they look, their personality.....stuff like that....so if they seem like a jerk....that's partly why it changes....but really there's no particular reason most of the time...it's just how I feel at the moment kinda like craving something to eat at that moment....that sounds shallow....oh well.

not in any particular order....

1. David Tennant will always be on my list. I met him in person.....omg what a charmer....so happy that I met him and he didn't disappoint.....love him. -His personality has to be an Intuitive type....we clicked immediately and he understood me quickly and got my humor.....I think he's either an ENTP or ENFP.....anyway........wows....love him.

2. Hugh Jackman. -Have no idea what his personality type is....I think possibly ENTP....he's so super loyal to his wife....so surprising when he's super hot and could had had any woman in the industry and stayed loyal to his wife....he's a good man....plus he likes dogs....another reason to like him. -I've liked guys that have cats....but honestly....I can't stand cats...they smell and I don't like how fickle and unpredictable that they are....yet for some reason they usually like me....

another British guy....I guess I got a thing for British guys, but Tom Mison is another one that understood my humor quickly and is just so charming and super easy on the eyes.....gosh what a beautiful man. He's married...too like most of the guys on my list. But what a sweetie...he wanted to help a friend get roles and looks out for his friends....he's a good guy. He's known for a show, "Sleepy Hollow".....I definitely recommend it...

Brandon Lee.....son of legendary martial arts/actor Bruce Lee....gosh he was beautiful. He would had probably been a huge action star as well as probably become recognized for dramatic roles and independent flicks had he lived past my favorite movie that he starred in, The Crow....when you see his performance....some of what Heath Ledger did for his role as the Joker came from what Brandon did in The Crow.....his sister is also amazing at martial arts like Brandon and their dad and she keeps her dad and brother's pages going and has an online store.....I understand to a point how she feels with losing close family members back to back as a child and as a young adult....she stays pretty content with just being behind the scenes and running their social media pages and online store....I bet she'd be an amazing actress and martial arts action star, too if she wanted.....

I did Kung Fu San Soo quite a few years ago.....got me into the best shape of my life....better than going to the gym daily....and taught me how to get out of being grabbed and harmed by guys twice my size....definitely worth it....if you haven't tried Martial Arts...I highly recommend it...it's hard work...but will also teach you a lot and calm you down and give you confidence...I wish I could afford to go back into it...it's definitely on my list to do when I have the money to do so....

Jim Caviezel.....he's known for playing a hot Jesus....but this guy really could easily be the next Batman.....too bad Hollywood doesn't realize that....he's a badass....and he's sooooooooooooo beautiful.....He and his wife adopted special needs kids and devotes a lot of time and money on them....which is probably why he hasn't been in a lot of movies or tv shows lately....He's a good guy....When you find out that he nearly died while making the movie, "The Passion of The Christ"....I'm like....dang...pay that man a million or more dollars cos he put up with a ton of crap....what dedication this guy has to everything he does....acting, marriage, parenting, spiritual....he's just very dedicated and driven to do the right thing and do his best....pretty impressive.

Johnny Depp.....well most of the planet was inlove with him until the whole drama with his ex-wife.....I don't care about that....it's not my business....he's always had issues with alcohol and tearing up hotel rooms.....but can't be that much of an ass or no one would had cast him in so many movies....so....I like that he chooses weird eccentric roles cos he's weird.....and he's cute...so...that's that...

Zachary Levi....he's adorable....he's pretty....he's interesting.....if I think a guy is boring it doesn't matter how pretty they are....but he's far from boring. He's very genuine and upfront...and he's not afraid of conflict and will often challenge and talk it out with fans on twitter that post negative crap....and he doesn't belittle them...he seems to truly care to work it out and talk it out and understand their perspective and convey his thoughts....he's rational when he does it....he doesn't get irate like most people. Proof in point....he went on the vile show, "The View".....they should rename the show "women with constant menopause" -for reals !!!! surprised he survived that...I didn't see it...I just noticed the image comes from The View....I don't watch that show cos obvious reasons.....and the name again should be "women with constant menopause" 

I'm surprised he doesn't get asked to do toothpaste or dental commercials cos dang he has perfect teeth.....like no flaws in that mouth....

I can tell he's an Extrovert cos he constantly has peeps at his house.....that would drive me crazy...I'd be like, "k, it's 5pm....bye.....enjoyed our hour....was fun.....go have your own life that isn't at my house so I can clean it up now cos ya'll made a big ass mess for me....."...not to say I can't do stuff with groups of people....in college these guy friends of mine always talked me into doing stupid stuff like tubing down the river, climbing an unstable bridge, climbing a men's bathroom urinal to get to the attic to get to the roof so we could see the view of the whole city....going into abandon houses and graveyards to see if there was ghosts.....always happened when I was going for a walk and trying to do my own thing....they'd see me and swoop me up and say, "Hoover, you gotta come with us...it'll be fun"...and they dragged me along cos they thought me screaming and laughing was funny.....lol....but to do that every single night....would drive me crazy....once a week is enough for me to be in a group of people...

yet another British guy and another guy with perfect teeth....Ben Barnes....he's reserved about what he posts (he's probably just too busy to post on social media)....but I love his posts when he does post...he's interesting.....he like Zachary Levi above....is a singer and musician. He can play the drums and piano and he's really good....he often plays jazz....which is incredibly hard....I have a feeling he's Intuitive and probably a deep guy....seems very smart, too. And obviously he's a beautiful man....

Keanu Reeves.....gosh I loooooooves him. He's so beautiful. Humble guy....seems down to earth. I had a dream that I saw him eating a sandwhich and wanted to talk to him and eat a sandwhich with him, but he gave me an annoyed look like, "leaves me alone, Anna...." so I walked far away and admired him from a far....lol...I'm seriously a dork and would probably 100% do that in real life...but for some reason people that I don't think will like me end up loving me and wanting to hang with me.....so I bet we'd actually probably click.....my favorite movies that he's done are Constantine and of coarse, John Wick....he's just awesome....he really shows he can act in Constantine....especially his death scene and when he comes back to life.....he's amazing....people underestimate him. Keanu is another that will always be on my list. 

 gosh I love all the Keanu memes....

I stopped counting after David Tennant...lol....and well, this is lengthy....so I guess I'll end this for now.....

thanks, 

pic of me....dorky as always....with a Doctor Who t-shirt on, of coarse.....lol 

relationships part 4...personality, culture...

relationships part 4...personality, culture and other stuff

in grad school like I mentioned in my other thread....I took some classes that opened my eyes: a class about personality types and various tests and one on culture

knowing who you are is so important, because it can really help you to grow as a person, have self awareness, and become aware of others and their patterns....

to me.....there's a lot of patterns in things once you start looking at things and people....

I always wondered why I didn't like the typical stuff that the masses did...why I had a hard time fitting in....and taking the Myers Briggs tests and some other tests helped me to understand the "why" and also start seeing some of the things that I needed to work on with myself...but also to accept and appreciate my differences...

here's a link to a personality test that's free:

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Enneagram is another good personality test to help you understand yourself and see that stress can cause areas of dysfunction in yourself....

the Enneagram Institute used to have a free short assessment, but that's no longer the case....so here's one from "similar minds" that's free....they have a lot of different personality tests on there that's kinda fun:

http://similarminds.com/enneagram-test.html

I started working on my ancestry in my 20's in order to understand my family patterns and also find out about inherited medical issues (colon cancer and breast cancer runs in my immediate family)....

culture is important so that you can understand yourself and your own quirks that you do that's part of your culture. You can say all you want, "we didn't practice such and such. We ate mac and cheese and was a boring family" -well, you may not realize it...but there are traits passed down from your culture and that's important to understand more of the puzzle pieces of yourself and who you are....

my mom was kinda odd....she didn't talk about her culture at all....didn't talk about her family much at all....I was closer to my Dad....so I was aware of most of his culture and family....but seeing the patterns in both lines really helped me to see why my parents did the things that they did....it's sad that certain relationship patterns trickled down from their grandparents which resulted in a lot of things from the times....and the history is important...knowing the strains of the Great Depression, war, and other things is important to know on how it affected your family....knowing what countries that they came from and why they left is good information to help fill in the questions about your family, too....

I'm not saying go get an Ancestry dot com.....but doing research and finding relatives is helpful. -I found a 4th cousin that had a Bible that belonged to my 3rd great grandma.....was so neat to see my Dad's name in her Bible....was kind of her to mail it to me.....really cool to see such an old book/Bible with the old print and way they made books/Bibles back then...

another thing that I think is important is knowing if you or your person that you're dating or want to date's background on where they grew up.....

for example, my parents unfortunately moved a lot.....and I wish I wasn't exaggerating....but it was a lot.....we moved every year. I had to get used to making a best friend and then telling them goodbye and moving (it felt like they died and a part of me died)...and being the new girl all over again....and proving myself and trying to fit in, etc. etc. The constant moving and the constant being left on my own made me into an Introvert...I have a half brother that's 10 years older than me....an older sister....then me (accident) and my little brother (also an accident)....my mom was in her mid 30's when she had me and then my little brother and she had complications with both of us....unfortunately with my little brother...he was born breach and the umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck and cut off his oxygen and resulted in the left side of his brain being damaged and him being severely Autistic......so, I had to help raise him.....my parents couldn't handle him and didn't have a lot of patience like I did...so it was always put on me to take care of him up until my father died and entered foster care....the facility that took me refused my brother cos of him being a severe Autistic (you were required to do chores from the time you work up, after school and before bed, required to work a job and pay money to live there unless you had family paying for your stay there....so I worked on top of having my Dad's death benefits paying for me to live there...and since there was no one to protect me.....my face and my singing was used to get even more money from people by the facility.....pretty shitty.....long story...

 Anyway, everyone that I know that is an Introvert was unfortunately neglected like myself....you just become acquainted with being alone....which isn't necessarily always a bad thing.....but can be if you avoid people all the time....

relationships....part 3...how you grew up and kids

relationships part 3....how you grew up and kids:

so, I'm no expert or anything. I did take some grad school classes about personalities and cultures and it really opened my eyes to a lot that I didn't know....took a class about marriage and family (even though I'm single) cos I was curious about that, too.

chances are....you come from a broken home. you're probably scared of divorce cos of it....

oddly enough...I had a male friend that was terrified of being in a relationship cos of his mom....his parents never divorced and his life looked pretty picture perfect from the outside....but his mom was toxic and played a lot of odd games on his dad and he grew up seeing that....his mom was...well, still is....super toxic....who knows what happened to her to make her that way....but she did some really abusive things to her husband and power-plays to keep my friend's dad in fear and in control....

so, where you come from really paints a picture for you...

also, unfortunately, people don't like change and gravitate to what they know.....so men will go for a woman and re-create the same exact family dynamic and unconsciously do this to "fix" what was wrong as a child....so you will see them marry the exact same woman as their mom.....sometimes it's exact in appearance....other times it's exact in personality and behavior....and they'll have or adopt the exact same amount of kids that they grew up in......

women are weird. I knew a few girls back in college that were super clingy to their mom's and families and didn't want a relationship with a guy to change that.....

and yes, women will do the same thing as men......go for men that remind them of their dads....

other things that I noticed from my friends that are gay....

I have several male friends that are gay.....they didn't come from broken homes, but their fathers were barely around and not present and their needs were not met from their dads being a dad for them....so they sought that in dating men....some of the men that I know were sexually abused by someone in their childhood and it confused them....these guys tried to have relationships with women in college and dated some of my friends....I knew it wasn't going to work out and knew that they were gay.....and it ended up hurting those girls cos they were more into those guys than those guys were for them....and these guys drove 3 or more hours to hotspots out of town to hit the gay club scene to hide that they were gay from everyone...(they told me is how I know)...

for women friends that I have that are lesbian....a bit more complicated some of them were sexually abused and it screwed them up and made them resent and hate men.....actually unfortunately most of the women that are lesbians that I know were sexually abused in some way....also like the men above....they seek out women to fulfill the needs that weren't met from their mom's who were not emotionally there for them when they were children...

with the topic of divorce....

in grad school I learned that divorce happens in patterns with couples: when they have children that are toddler aged (1-4) and then again when their children are adolescent aged.....

I don't have an answer to the pattern for the divorce rates that happen when couple's children are toddler aged or adolescent aged....maybe it's because those are tough ages with kids becoming more independent and learning and with kids fighting to be independent they pull away and become difficult and rebellious.....so the power-struggle starts affecting the relationship of the couple cos their focus is on the kids and not on each other.....

so, taking a break from kids is probably essential....having a date night away from the kids...NOT having kids in bed with you at night is probably another important one....sounds like common sense, but I have a TON of women friends that let their kids sleep in bed with them and wonder why their sex life sucks....lol..men already know this but probably feel guilty or selfish and don't want to hear a lecture so they let the kids sleep in bed to appease their woman which is dumb....you gotta draw a line and that is an important line for the sake of your relationship which is more important than the kids....why? cos if the kids are put as a priority over the relationship all the time you are going to be worn out, resentful and not get any time alone together to work on your relationship with each other....

so if you know people that have kids that are toddlers or adolescents....encourage them to have a date night or maybe even 2 or 3 date nights per week and build their relationship and make it strong so that they don't fall apart when things get tough with the kids....

relationships part 2

relationships part 2

first of all.....where are you on your basic needs? are you ready for a relationship ??

basic needs start at the bottom of these pyramids and then as you grow and have your needs taken care....you become more able to work on other things...

when your two bottom bricks of the pyramid are fulfilled....then you're ready to move on to finding love....

to me though....feeling that you belong is tough if you come from a broken background like myself, having toxic family, and or a personality that doesn't fit in or all of the above....

to me....the only way to truly feel that you belong is going to be a spiritual component....finding love in a relationship isn't as hard as fulfilling the need to feel like you "belong"...

feeling like you don't belong will make you isolate or make you more clingy and insecure....

so in my opinion, don't seek to belong with people....people will always reject you in some way....don't look to belong with a significant other/partner/lover.....you will never have that need met....it's a spiritual need that you will have to put in the work to have fulfilled by spending time reading (the Bible for example), praying, praising, singing.....spending time alone with your God is important and the only way to feel you belong and was created for a purpose in this world....

relationships part 1: sex

relationships part 1

my thoughts about relationships.

I'll start with the part that interests some whilst others feel is taboo: sex

first....I think it's important to take this assessment to know what your needs are....if you know your needs...you're half way there....important to either figure out the person that you're dating or in a relationship, too:

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

knowing your "love language" or needs is important part of a relationship otherwise.....it's going to be frustrating for both.

for women as a woman.....I'm going to be straight with you that are men

some things are common sense....guys are obviously visual and just seeing a woman can turn him on.....women just aren't like that....

think about when you were dating the woman.......hopefully you didn't skip right to sex.....

you gotta release life isn't a porno.....you can't skip to the immediate sex

when you were dating.....you did foreplay and took your time turning on your lady......so why aren't you still doing that? why would you expect her to immediately have sex instead of putting in the time to woo her???

it sucks that as a guy that you have to put in a lot of work to have sex....but the work makes it right than not having it, right ??

and speaking of porn.....limit your viewing if not give it up all together. It's not a healthy way to view relationships, especially sexual ones....you will continue to be lonely and depressed....and continue to feel unfulfilled....also it sets up unrealistic expectations. It becomes an addiction, because it's used to self-soothe when you're lonely, bored, depressed, etc....and it doesn't help...it's a band-aide for a huge wound that will not help in the big picture...it's momentary. 

also, like other addictions...it changes your brain chemistry and affects your Dopamine levels 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/scary-effects-pornography-21st-centurys-accute-addiction-rewiring/

so again...in the big picture....porn just isn't worth it....it is a momentary escape from reality and way to self-soothe much like drugs...that affects the physical and mental health of a person....and your relationships.....you are less likely to engage with an actual person if you're spending a lot of time on the internet viewing porn....

and I'm not here lecturing you....I looked at a bit of it myself and realized what it was doing to me.....I'm still single....not involved with an actual man....of coarse that's not the only reason I'm still single....but my point is...it doesn't help and will make you feel more lonely and worsen depression....