emotionally unavailable men

so, I like a guy.....but I can tell why he chose me...

I could tell from his behavior that his mom was mentally and physically abusive and that he was neglected. -problem is....he won't go to counseling for it to help himself heal. He had a failed marriage and blames his ex-wife for not trying to get to understand him and for the father-in-law for being overly assertive to the point that he was a bit of a bully.

he barely texts me....sees me only after he gets off way late at night from his job....which sucks cos I have to stay up late. I made a boundary to not have sex unless he wants a relationship with me...so he has respected my boundary and we have not had sex.....he literally comes over to cuddle and that's it. He likes to makeout. -Surprises me that for a man....he isn't out for sex.

He's dropped hints that he wants certain things and has talked to women who use the phrase "don't want fuck-boys".....so....basically he's still looking for the "perfect" person I suppose....and when I had asked him why he was talking to me and interested in me.....he said he realized he has to make "compromises" and go for personality and whatever.

so to hear that I'm a "compromise".....and the fact that he barely texts or calls.....he's not emotionally invested in me.....

but he did tell me that he's opened up more to me than anyone he's ever talked to.....and he did open up a lot....and I can tell it's hard for him...

anyway, although he opened up to me about the abuse he's been through....he told me that it's my job to understand him and get him to open up and that he uses these techniques from a book to get me to open up. -I have tried to explain that I'm an open book and his techniques (aren't natural and are not genuine and are forced cos he doesn't know what he's doing) comes from a self-help book that was written by this narcissistic former fbi negotiator that uses a rudimentary combo of psychological, business and common communication techniques.

anyway, he complained that people have given up and won't put in the work to get to know him.....and talked about a female friend....

he honestly believes that you don't have to tell anything about yourself to get hired by a job and to instead have a vision and had me watch this speech by Ronald Reagan that was shallow and just "big government," and mostly a story of whatever.....it was boring in my opinion and not authentic....very shallow...but he admires it....and he does the same practice....and wonders why he didn't get a job that he wanted.....

anyway, he doesn't treat me right....I deserve better. I'm working way harder than he is.....though he's the one that comes and sees me....granted it has screwed my sleep schedule because I have to wait for him to get off work, eat and take his shower before he decides to drive over.....so it's usually around 3am and then he falls asleep at 5am and then he leaves around 8am to 10am....and the cycle starts over....I don't hear from him at all......then he will text or sometimes call after he's off work......so, it's really not fair to me....

I don't deserve this....I deserve better. 

final time that I walk at the park

today I went to the park and what's upsetting is people that walk in couples or in groups refuse to walk in single file and hog the sidewalk. I was walking by myself with my dog and this woman and this man were walking opposite direction and the guy moved to walk directly in front of me and grabbed my dog....I had my dog on his choke collar and pulled him back to avoid him biting the guy and I confronted him and said he was in my space and should walk single file.....and he postured and said, "yeah, what are you going to do about it?" and the woman was all, "come here," made kissing sounds to my dog.....it was crazy. And I froze in fear....me against two people that were far taller than me.....I'm 5'4" and the guy was 6'5" and his woman was around 5'8"...

this virus is either making people overly afraid OR is bringing out the pathology that's already there like with that guy being antisocial and challenging me....a woman that was alone....."what are you gonna do about it"......aggressive behavior from a man that decided to get into my personal space made me realize that there's some out there that want to bring down others with them if they have the virus cos they have anger towards the world for whatever happened to them in their life to have an attitude that the world owes them /entitled attitude.....

patterns

everything has a pattern if you really think about and observe...

seasons have patterns.....

nature has patterns.....a caterpillar becomes a butterfly....

families also have patterns.....

you see that your ancestors make the same mistakes....

you see that your ancestors had these hardships similar to you.....

when I looked into my mom's genealogy line (there's still some brick walls....her granddad was from Canada and I have no idea where to go with that and find his people)......anyway.....seeing that my mom didn't develop by accident to form who she was and how she behaved as a mother....it was unfortunate incidents that kept going down the line and affecting her mother and her mother's mother before that....my mom had some moments that she was loving and spent time with me.....reading me stories...singing to me when I was sick.....going for a walk and picking wild flowers off the road.....but there was also the side of her that abandoned me and did not have any feels about it......cold and numb....and didn't understand why I couldn't just accept it.....didn't understand why I didn't want to talk to her as an adult equal when I was only 10 years old....patterns of her family where the woman was abandoned by a man and left to fend for herself.....and it tickled down to coldness to those women.....I'm blessed in that I was not raised by her.....my parents divorced when I was in the 2nd grade and I chose to live with my dad.....then after he died I was raised in foster care.....not that the women in foster care were loving or nice at all either......they all made my mom seem like a compassionate angel compared to how they talked/yelled/called me names and treated me....but exposure to a lot of people and friend's parents that weren't crazy helped.....

and the extreme opposite found in my dad's line.....they all stuck together and are tight-knit......I remember watching Doctor Who while my Dad and his parents and his siblings (my aunts and uncles) all hung out in the kitchen and dining room where the window curtains were always open so that you could see into the backyard and see the very blue pool and all the citrus trees.....cigarette smoke in the air.....sound of coffee cups clanking....laughing and talking while I played by myself in the living room sitting on the floor in front of the leather couch with my strawberry shortcake dolls and barbies and occasionally glancing at the tv......my older sister and my cousin in my cousin's room playing barbies together....they're only a week apart/same age.....

anyway, look for the patterns.....there is always a pattern

my poem

gonna just free style a poem.....it's probably gonna be a tad sexual cos well I'm a sexual person and being isolated makes me realize that I haven't had it in 3 years (by choice cos I want it to be meaningful....when it's meaningful the sex is better.....when it's shallow....it's not good...it suck)....

laying here in your bed....

thoughts that stir as I stroke your head....

your hands wondering around

feeling my curves.....

running your hands on my bum

running your hands on my breasts....

kissing......kissing so deeply and passionately....

my hands also wonder and touch your chest

and down to your stomach.....

and the heart beats are both accelerated

the breathing is fast....a few moans....

and you grab me and flip on to your back and put me on top.....

and we connect as one.......

and you make me so wet........

and I feel like I've soared into another level of existence....maybe another world

and you moan and your body seizes....

and again my body reacts....turned on by your pleasure

and I climb off....and lay beside you....

and you drift asleep......feeling safe....wanted and respected....

the moon observed and the crickets applauded

and I drifted to sleep feeling so content

the end *bows* lol

that's it. thanks lol xxxx

2020....a year that we'll never forget

we started this year with "roaring 20's".....and life seemingly normal.....then lurking about was this awful virus....disease.....that quickly spread across the world......impacting everyone. Go on any social media site and people have posts of themselves wearing face masks that they either purchased or made....toilet paper, lysol spray, bleach and things used to clean are all completely out of stock at every local retailer........adverts from new independent businesses selling toilet paper and face masks at 3 times if not more than the regular price are littered all over Facebook and Instagram.

I reluctantly signed up on a dating site just prior to the coronavirus shut down in March after moving back to Dallas-Fort Worth and guys are either pushing for hook-ups/one night stands or are aggressive.....this could be their behavior regardless....but I wonder if this virus shut down is bringing more of the frontal lobe cave man behavior to surface ???

predictions of this impacting our economy are obvious.....

finding out that the trillion dollar stimulus bill that was argued and agreed to by both sides of the fence show that Congressional people are getting even more money to add to their 6-figure incomes for life, to monopoly giant businesses that claim to want use it for their low tier employees and customers.....(laughs and coughs from the comedy of that last part).....anyway, in the big picture the American tax payer still loses.....banks are all like, "you still gotta pay but we won't evict you out of your home and take it away from you or repossess your car today."

everyone is obsessed and posting medical findings with medicine....with the stats on how bad the virus is getting in their country/home area...

this is crazy.

this is obviously a living historical event....

it's too bad we don't have a scientist to think outside of the box like the ones that created penicillin (I'm allergic to it...but it is still a helpful medication to treat sickness/infections).....polio, etc.

I've seen the "SARS" word toss around with the covid 19/coronavirus.

just wondering with the plagues that we've had since 2000.....why did they become quiet and of no concern?

although this is affecting respiratory function....it's obvious this is not the flu or a respiratory virus like bronchitis........to me it looks more like an aggressive rabid  form of cancer or AIDS....

and meanwhile, because the country is so focused on coronavirus.....those struggling with cancer and AIDS.....wonder how the ICU looks with containing this crazy thing as it can easily be transmitted from Dr, Nurse or sanitation workers to patients.....they're human and when exhausted....probably don't think to wash their hands the one time or change their gown....

and it's crazy that the virus can last on clothing and on cloth/home made face masks for 24 hours !!!!!

and everything says, "clean surfaces with bleach".....why do we have to constantly clean our homes with bleach ??? If we are staying inside and not leaving.....why the need to clean surfaces with bleach ???

this feels like we are living the 1980's movie, Red Dawn......or a Mad Max movie.......as if there has been nuclear fall out and the public doesn't know but the government does.....

so far, food is not scarce......but some people are panic-buying believing that the government will shut everything down for a couple weeks or a month to "flatten the curve"

the many many conspiracy theories popping up....

and the fact that CEO's are stepping down and taking VERY generous packages to do so....and also bailing on certain stocks...

I think we all feel stunned......everyone knows this is happening but the uncertainty is affecting a lot.....a rise in alcohol purchases and consumption.....a rise in videos of people with mental illness doing some crazy stuff like stripping off their clothes and yelling....

definitely need to stabilize people with mental illness, because they are going to either become carriers and spread this even more or they will die...

same with drug addicts.....they are still doing business as usual with using drugs and not really caring that they are becoming carriers and spreading this virus around

sad and scary times.....mostly because of the uncertainty.

and it makes one feel badly for the people in history that had to deal with plagues that wiped out babies, children, adults from all over....

and certain plagues used to be blamed on cultures bringing their germs to others that didn't interact with certain cultures before (such as Native Americans with English)......

makes one wonder if part of this is just natural selection as this planet has billions of people now.....looking back at ancestors and seeing you have 20 great-great-great-great-great/etc. grandparents......it's a wonder....

there was an article posted about this lady that works in a lab that has been studying bats and the viruses that come from bats and that she feared the lab caused this virus to get out:

 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-chinas-bat-woman-hunted-down-viruses-from-sars-to-the-new-coronavirus1/?amp

kind of makes one wonder when you see a post on twitter from the President that says "war".....was this virus/disease created on purpose by accident....regardless.......was it created/manufactured is what I wonder....

thanks ! xxxx

choose wisely

You have to Marry One, Kill One, Use one as a Human Shield against all the rest of them: