insecurity.....

 I was engaged to a guy that I thought was beautiful in college.....we were sooooo infatuated and seemed to have so much fun. Then he took me home to his parents for Christmas....his parents lived on a dairy farm and his mom told me that she wanted us to live in a trailer on their farm and work their farm and all this. It smelled so awful....and it was isolated away from everyone and everything...the mom took my long hair and told me that she would like to chop it all off and have it very short like how she wore her hair....that horrified me....I had no desire in short hair and felt like it would make me look like a boy. 

and I had already grown up isolated in a facility that stated what I could and couldn't do after my dad had died.....so the thought of being controlled and not getting to do things that I wanted to do, such as finish college, work and other things......I went outside and I cried (and gagged from the strong small from the cows)....

in college....I worked and paid my way, had a small grant and a student loan and took care of my own needs....I loved it.....and I was social and had a lot of friends. 

my fiancé though told me that he was not comfortable by the level of attention that I got from the guys and how popular I was...and that it made him feel insecure. Then he became all weird and religious and told me that he talked to his mom and that she felt that I was too wild. -This surprised me, because I only worked and went to school and didn't have much time for anything else. In other words, I did not party, I I did not drink, smoke, do drugs, I was not in a Sorority.....I was responsible....I worked hard and worked hard to keep up my grades as well. He suddenly decided that he wanted to get serious about his religion and told me that we could not have sex any more. Then he said that we couldn't kiss any more because it made him want to touch me....then I couldn't even be around him or do anything cos it affected his "thoughts"....I was like, "ok this is crazy".....but I respected all of his boundaries. Not long after....he decided he wanted to get his roommate a "girlfriend" and worried about his roommate's crush on me...he and that girlfriend spent a lot of time together and she let me know she was after him and did not care about his roommate. I confronted him about it and gave him an ultimatum. He broke up with me. He started dating women that were not attractive, that were fat and wore glasses and actually were in Sorority but were trying hard to fit in and were not popular and didn't get attention from guys....

a year later he was taking a class that was in my major of study and asked me to come out to where he was now living on his own and asked if I'd help him with his grades and how he was worried he was going to fail. I felt sorry for him and of coarse I still cared.....anyway, he let me know that a girl was interested in him and tried to make me jealous....and he was not interested in studying. I let him know that I was not interested in getting back with him and having my heart broken again and didn't trust him and told him "good luck" with the girl that was chasing him.....he married her a few months later after only dating for a month...the girl was tall and fat and cut her hair just like his mother's hair....

years later....social media.....anyway, he told me that he always felt insecure around me, because I was smart and beautiful....and he told me that he hopes that I find a guy that deserves me and is better than him.....that surprised me....all that time I thought he rejected me, because his mother didn't like me....and that he didn't think I was good enough for him or his family. -He did admit his sex life was awful with his wife (sorry but that made me laugh since it did not suck with me and it was his choice to stop having sex...not my choice! anyway, lolol).  -I'm not friends with him on social media at all....and would not want to be his social media friend, because his posts are all overly religious and boring......so I am actually very thankful that I didn't marry him and end up weird and sheltered away from the world on a farm...I just can't imagine how I'd be if I did that....his wife is even fatter now....but they have 3 kids (he came from a family of 3 kids...he's the youngest...he had 2 older sisters...so not surprised he had 3 kids)....but gosh...his life looked so boring to me.....

Back to dating after college life.....it took me two years to start dating again.....and I made the choice after him to "never date good guys again" as I felt I could not take getting my heart broken again....and felt there must be something wrong with me to be rejected and unloved. All that time I thought it was me and my fault.....that I failed to make him happy, wasn't good enough, etc. etc. Again.....all this time I thought it was my fault....had no idea how insecure my ex-fiance was....but looking back....now I see he was very insecure....

I dated guys that I knew I wouldn't truly love deep down and attach to cos I didn't want my heart broken and didn't want to feel that level of pain again. I had not felt that type of pain since going through my Dad's sudden death from cancer when I was starting the 8th grade. 

So, I was dating guys that were attractive, some reminded me of my dad in appearance....some just interesting....and I know I was infatuated....but not love.....they were insecure and did a lot more damage to me than the pain from rejection from dating a "good guy" ever could.....

Insecurity is toxic. It's poisonous. It causes people to be mean, controlling, abusive and awful.....so wrapped up in themselves that they don't care about the pain that they cause anyone around them or close to them.....

so whether it's a "good guy" or a guy that's not the greatest that is a pretty boy that likes to drink or whatever.....like the types that I attracted and dated that obviously had issues with intimacy and getting close to me....just not worth it. They cause a lot of stress from how they treated me, the sex was awful....they were often selfish and lasted a whopping 5 seconds cos they didn't care about pleasing me at all in any way, which included sex....

I never dated guys for money and avoided guys that had money or had flashy cars or bragged. I felt like they'd be shallow and not capable of depth and having a meaningful relationship....and I was hung up on, "I can't let anyone pay for anything for me....then they control me and will tell me that I owe them and own me like a slave".....and have had guys act like they were doing something HUGE by buying me a tiny little Starbucks drink that cost maybe $5 tops and not even buying me dinner.....and then demanding sex......and aggressive, etc. 

So, looking back.....I made some huge mistakes out of fear of getting my heart broken.....out of fear that I had something wrong with me that made guys not want to love and accept me (I had guys obsess over me and stock me....that is not love....that's crazy and toxic)....but my mistakes of letting my fears drive my relationships and lack thereof is what I see now....

so looking ahead....I don't want an insecure guy....and I am sure he doesn't want a woman that is afraid.....so I've worked on that and will continue to work on myself....and hope the same for the guy. I don't expect or want perfection....it's boring....but what I do want is a guy that's like, "ok I trust you...I know that deep down you're a dork....but more than anything you have this code and won't cheat and I don't need to control you and do things to make you under my control. I'm going to love you and please you and want the same in return." -and yeah...that's what I want.....I want a guy that's dealt with his insecurities and ready to just be happy and just please each other in all ways and connect deeply. 

that's it...

thanks xxx 

self hatred

 self hatred......not just hating yourself.....hating who you come from....your parents.....your people.....

Adolf Hitler is a classic case of self-hatred but also of narcissism. His personality type was INFP from MBTI. 

Hitler was a failed artist....if you've seen his paintings.....he does have talent....he's just not original and his paintings lacks life.....they're kinda ordinary and boring....but he does have talent and grasps the concepts of light, shadow, shading, etc. He was talented....just not very creative....there's no spark....they look a little average, but he didn't lack talent....just no spark: 

It has been said that Hitler himself was a quarter Jewish, but apparently he had NO Jewish roots at all.....

https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/was-hitler-jewish

His ancestry shows no direct Jewish ancestors that would make him a quarter Jewish, such as having a parent that is half Jewish and a Grandparent that is full Jewish. 

Hitler was known to actually listen to Jewish music and that's probably where the rumor was started that he was Jewish himself. 

But his failure as an artist by people that happened to be Jewish is what drove his hate which was already there from his anger about his father, who was a Narcissistic toxic man himself: 

https://www.timesofisrael.com/letters-by-hitlers-father-found-in-attic-giving-rare-glimpse-at-his-early-life/

Narcissists are very hard to deal with.....they believe that they should have power and are better than everyone and bully others and meanwhile are also highly insecure....so if you have ever had a manager or boss that is a Narcissist and you point out something that is an error or any type of a mistake....their ego's cannot handle criticism. 

Lets talk about another Narcissistic Dictator that is barely mentioned, but killed more people than Hitler.....that would be Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin also had a terrible father, who abused him physically and was an alcoholic. I think Stalin's personality type was an ESTJ. 

https://www.history.com/topics/russia/joseph-stalin

The fact that Stalin changed his birth name and used propaganda to show himself to be a kind family man that loves people was clearly manipulative. Manipulative people are bullies and often full of self hatred and toxic behavior. 

What is my point in talking about Hitler and Stalin?? 

Just because you may had grown up with abuse be it physical, verbal and whatever......get some help. Learn to accept criticism. Their fragile egos and their need for power fueled by their deep seated self hatred and wishing to have attention and love that they never got is a dangerous result in them murdering a lot of innocent people. They lacked empathy like any serial killer. 

Placing yourself in another person's shoes and imagining how they feel and what they went through is how you develop empathy.....learning to be gentle and kind to a helpless animal as a child is important to put you in that direction to learn empathy. 

When people do not teach their children empathy and clearly lack empathy themselves and have self hatred.....that develops into hurting others, especially innocent and vulnerable people. 

Learn to love yourself and accept the faults that you have. Reprogram the negative thoughts that pop in, "I'm worthless, I suck" with, "I have meaning, I help others. I am a good person. I try to do the right thing, but I know I make mistakes and all I can do is try to improve and do better next time." -that's something that I try to say to myself....

Learn to apologize and let things go. You cannot control people who have hurt you....all you can control is how you react and if it's worth holding a grudge or moving on.....

thanks for reading. xxx 

letting my thoughts flow

 not a formal poem....just going to write as I go.....

the clouds....they wept and cleared the dirt, grime and unpleasantness of the day....

the evening came.....

clouds cleared to consider the plans for the next day....

the moon and stars greet me with a peaceful "hello"

I look around at the stars and feel like I'm the only one on earth for the moment.....

some privacy and time to reflect and ponder on the past, the present and moving forward....

can't change or control the past.....

have to go along with the present...

but can set some goals and direct the path 

the warmth of the sun feels like a warm cuddle....

how I need a good cuddle....

nature is doing it's business with no regard to how I feel or my life....

it goes on.....

birds collect twigs for their nests, squirrels search for food and run about....

a gentle breeze blows....

and the smell of the rain that washed away the troubles of the previous day....still lingers in the air 

and I visualize showering a man with my love and respect 

....and seeing us drinking a cup of coffee and doing our normal day to day routines 

I study his face as he is reading things from his laptop and he peers over the top of it and gives me a subtle  smile...it lights up his whole face....and I smile back.....and ask him if he's available to break his routine just for a little while.....

to bond and become one....and feel closer to each other and share love for each other.....

two puzzle pieces that existed in the world with no piece to fit with until we found each other...

and I hear the rain pouring down again......

nature feels it must again cleanse the day of all the troubles to start again new.......

a reset to the game of life....

that's it. 

thanks xx 

my goals

 So 2019 and 2020 were both pretty hard years for me...

in 2019....I had a great job and was finally working from home....I got a raise and a bonus....and a couple of the "good job" type of pieces of paper from my manager and the director.....then on July 3rd....they let me go.....I did not get paid for July 4th holiday....and I had used my tax return and the bonus to relocate to a smaller town where it was more affordable. So, I felt trapped and screwed with being in a small town and letting the landlord talk me into a 2 year lease. I worked hard on getting another job....and finally a job that was all the way in Austin wanted to hire me....probably was....they were just using me to get the team caught up and out of trouble with the state and to fix their errors...I was driving 3 hours one way each day to get there with promises from my boss that I'd work from home....meanwhile other people on my team bragged that they got to work from home immediately. So, long story short....I spending over $500 per month in gas....the electricity company for the town that I was living in was charging me 3 times the usual costs...making my bill close to $400 per month....I was living in a duplex that did not have a washer/dryer and I barely used the air conditioner so there was no reason to have a bill that high. 

the costs in gas and electricity was drowning me....and I was still behind on other bills from losing the job that I had on July 3rd.....with losing the job in Austin two weeks before Christmas....I fell behind on everything....the electricity company demanded immediate payment of a bill close to $500.....my car loan payments were so behind at this point that I knew I was going to lose it. 

So, I lost everything....my electricity was shut off.....I got so behind that I didn't see a way out of my situation. No one cared. I was completely alone to deal with this unfair hand that I was dealt suddenly. 

I got my tax return....problem was I used turbo tax who used a questionable bank to process the check from the IRS and of coarse they took a huge cut out of my check....my bank would not clear the check and said the bank from turbo tax was not real.....finally I took it to a check cashing place that actually was familiar with the bank....they charged me a fee.....and I used it go get food, pay rent and saved most of it as I was applying for jobs and a job told me that I would have to break my lease and move back to Dallas if I wanted the job...

So, I broke my lease...paid a ton and she kept my deposits even though I left the place super clean and of coarse no damages. With the little money that I had left....I hired movers who turned out to be with a company that was illegally operating and not allowed to use a moving truck (but I did not know that at the time).....they did not tarp my things and they did not tie down my things....so most of my things were ruined in the pouring rain and fell off their truck as they drove.....they refused to allow me to follow them.....so I had gone ahead to Dallas to unpack the rental car (my car was repossessed due to non-payment and they would not allow me to make payments to get caught up....they wanted $5000 or nothing)....they movers arrived with my things damaged and missing.....furniture was broken and ruined....my things were broken.....I cried....and I paid them to just put my things inside and leave.....

my job did not start me right away....the manager that I had did not believe or trust me that there was a two week waitlist for internet.....this was the start of covid/pandemic in March 2020.....she was working happily from her parents home out of state....no where near Dallas....where she ordered to me relocate to if I wanted the job....she was mean and attempted to bully me....and she was a savage ladder climber that used others to make herself look good as she did literally nothing and was incompetent...literally had only a year experience in the field and only 30 days experience at the job before advancing to management and getting to work from home and travel to stay at her parents in Arkansas. She used me and my hard work to make herself look good and got a big raise out of it....and did not give me a raise....she gave me low marks on everything....my moral was completely down, depressed and hopeless. '

I decided I had to do something to get out of my situation. So, I applied at a massive amount of jobs and got hired at a well known company with a great reputation and great pay. 

With my new job....I decided to keep roughing it at the apartment complex that I moved to for the job that made me move to Dallas...it sucks living here...my neighbors are awful. However, with my checks I've used a little from each one to do things that I needed, such as replace furniture (bought a new couch for under $900, bought a chair for my desk) and I started paying off the debts that occurred due to my situations above that put me behind. I do not plan to pay off the debt with the car, because they not only repossessed it, but they sold it off and would not allow me to collect my things that were inside the car...and I had had many cars with this company and loan company....I was so disappointed that all the years of showing how responsible and dependable I am.....they wouldn't work with me and sold the car. So, that's the only debt that I won't pay off. I have worked hard to pay off my other debts though and only have one debt left right now to pay that is under $200 that I'll pay with a check in April. 

When my car was repossessed....I was left without a vehicle and was on foot or using Uber until I could save up for a down payment for a used car. So, I applied at all sorts of car dealerships in Dallas....got denied at them all until one finally gave me a chance and I got a used car. I have paid half of it off already....the loan was $16000 and I owe a little over $8000 even with the worst apr and high payments....I've been working hard to pay it off....not easy with the high apr !!! So, working on my credit by paying off each debt and forcing each collector to give me a receipt and to put that I paid them on my credit reports....

I work from home and for a company that will literally let me live anywhere. I just don't know where to live...but I haven't had a home of my own since my dad died when I was in the 7th grade.....so my goal is to live in a house that's mine....I just need to keep working on improving my credit score (which has improved with making payments on my used car and paying off my debts)....and saving for a downpayment for a house.....that's the goal. 

My niece told me that I am a "vagabond" and that upset and bothered me......I didn't want to cement myself to Texas, because it's not "home" to me....it feels like a foreign state and southern people aren't actually nice.....but I want a home.....so not sure where to go or where to live....but I do want a house and and a home that's mine....and will just make it a goal to figure out where by next year....hopefully 2022 will be a good year....

and I hope that I can keep this job and not get laid off, because it has been beneficial in helping me to get caught up and replace what the movers lost and damaged....still angers me....I paid them almost $1000 and they were awful towards me and unprofessional, obviously. I did report them to the better business bureau, which is where I saw other reports that also showed they did not have a legal license to operate....and I gave them a bad rating online and posted pictures of what they used in the move with a truck and a small trailer and no straps and no tarps in the pouring rain......hopefully no one else will go through what I did. 

as for that terrible boss that worked from her parents house with her unemployed husband that were popping babies out to have her parents raise for her....I let her know how lazy, manipulative, inept and unprofessional that I thought she was on my final day (I gave a 2 weeks notice)...I reported her for doing my job evaluation in front of her husband and wanting to talk about patients in front of him instead of keeping privacy, too. -Nothing happened to her, of coarse. I did see from how my co-workers reacted that no one likes or respects her and they all felt over-worked and used by her....and probably felt trapped instead of looking for another job like I did. Life is too short to stay at a bad job....had great hours and I had weekends off.....but not worth working there with her as a boss. 

other goal on top of wanting to continue to work on my credit and get a house is to actually date and have a steady boyfriend....would be nice ! 

thanks :) 

actors that have portrayed #DC superhero's and villains

 DCU

my favorite actors that have played Batman:

1. Christian Bale 

2. Ben Affleck

My favorite actors that played Superman: 

1. Christopher Reeve who really did break the mold for portraying both Superman AND Clark Kent...he is the reason that all actors that play Superman hold their hands in the form of fists when flying....George Reeves (1950's tv Superman) did not do this...he held his hands flat straight ahead ! Gosh he was truly a beautiful man....I think people have forgotten that about him....but he was truly beautiful....can see it obviously in his Superman movies, but also Somewhere In Time. The first Superman movie with Christopher in the 1970's is the FIRST time a movie was made to make a comic book character in a serious action movie that wasn't goofy and a bit lame (like the 1960's tv Batman)....this paved the way for the MCU to make their movies in the 2000's...(and yes paved the way for Michael Keaton to play Batman in the 1980's as well)....Christopher is THE best to play both roles as Superman and Clark Kent to this day....there's just no competition for what he did with this role(s) and how well he played it....he truly was a great actor....

2. Tom Welling...and he seems to be Hollywood's favorite...with finding look alike guys to play the next Superman (Henry Cavill looks a bit like him in the first Superman movie he made....the kid playing Superman's son in Superman & Lois on CW kind of looks like him) 

3. Henry Cavill....the movies didn't really flesh out Clark Kent...mostly focused on him as Superman which he does a fantastic job as Superman and he went all in and trained and worked hard to pack on the muscles and learn about Superman.....he took a deep dive and read the comics and everything which I highly respect about Henry....he did the same with reading all the books for the Witcher (even though he played the video games and had the gist of who the Witcher is...he still chose to read to better understand the character....he really is THE perfect Superman....would had loved to see what he could had done as Clark Kent...he just wasn't given much of a chance)...

4. Tyler Hoechlin is definitely showing he's a great Superman but also Clark Kent !!! Wondering if he studied how Christopher Reeve played the dual roles cos he does a good job doing both...and it does seem like he was influenced by Christopher's version in the role. 

My favorite actor that has played The Flash:

1. Grant Gustin....there has never been a better Flash...he does a great job balancing the intelligence and the goofiness of Barry as well as being a superhero....

My favorite actor that has played John Constantine

1. Keanu Reeves....people constantly put him down as an actor. I dare you to watch Keanu do the death scene in this movie.....this man has obviously seen someone die (which makes me sad for him)....he did it perfectly (watch Rachel Weisz die and come back to life....there's no comparison...she is not as strong of an actor as Keanu and cannot portray dying and coming back to life at all....) the actor playing Lucifer in this movie, Peter Stormare....omg what a brilliant job he did...the subtle things he did...he is a fantastic actor. 

My favorite actors that have played The Joker

1. Heath Ledger 

2. Mark Hamill 

My favorite actress to play Wonder Woman

1. Lynda Carter 

My favorite actors to play Alfred Pennyworth:

1. Michael Caine 

2. Jeremy Irons

Favorite actresses to play Catwoman 

1. Julie Newmar 

2. Michele Pfeiffer 

The best actor to play Cyborg 

1. Ray Fisher 

The best actors to play Lex Luther 

1. Michael Rosenbaum (though Smallville did take the time to flesh out Lex....with having them start off as best friends.....and building up to why he hated Superman instead of the random hate boner that Jesse has in Batman Vs Superman that makes no sense and is pretty much the worst Lex Luthor)...and Michael is actually a good actor when you look back on his acting as Lex who he plays as a calm, cool, intelligent, wealthy villain vs Michael who is very Extroverted and likes to have fun constantly with groups of friends...complete opposite of the character he portrayed. 

2.. Gene Hackman....again....not really fleshed out for why he has a hate boner for Superman..but he did a good job playing against Christopher Reeve's Superman 

I don't have opinions about The Arrow, Shazam, Aquaman, etc. Kinda don't care about those characters or the other ones that are in the tv shows or movies. 

I don't like the Suicide Squad movie at all...wow what a piece of garbage that movie is.....it's just not worth my time to go into length about the characters and how awful the actors all are, the costumes, the writing.....the whole thing was just complete crap.....should had edited down the movie to an hour and charged a dollar or better yet....pay people to see it cos it sucked.