Last night, 1/28/2022, I had this dream about this man that stuck with me for several hours after I woke up early this morning (Saturday, 1/29/2022)
In my dream we were in this spaceship on like a rock like a moon or something in space....and there were others and they weren't good people and he and I were together....
I had asked him to check on something about some creep guy that was in space and shut the flap of some door to our home/space ship window thing....and he was kinda annoyed by it...and then he was shutting the lights out so that we could turn in for the night and get ready to go to sleep....
and I grabbed him and kissed him and he kissed me quickly and was going to do other stuff before bed that was work.....and I grabbed his arm and held him and kissed him in a particular sensual way....and he knew that that meant for him not to leave me and that I wanted him....and he was passionate and caring and wanted me to be happy and feel good and cared about that.....
and I woke up realizing that I've never had a relationship with a guy that cared that I was happy and also feeling pleasure from him.....and in the dream....that guy cared, because he actually loved me and cared about me...
I thought about that for a while that I've never actually had a guy care about me like that...and how I've dated guys that have been completely self centered and selfish and only care about themselves and are mean towards me...
I thought about how my childhood with growing up in foster care changed me and destroyed my self esteem....and I thought about this guy that I was engaged to in college had rejected me, because his mom told me that she didn't want him to marry me and didn't accept me....she claimed that I was wild......I think back on that.....why on earth would she think I was "wild".....when I was paying for my own way for college, was working, was keeping up my grades, was going to church, was just doing normal college girl stuff with going to movies with friends and other stuff.....and he was so cold in the way he broke up with me and treated me that it hurt me so badly that I didn't want to date another "good" guy......and then he dated a girl that bullied me.....and I was playing on an all black girl soft ball team....I was the only white girl and they at first wanted me to be on a base and catch and then they saw how I threw and asked me to be the pitcher....my ex-fiance's girlfriend....the bully and her sorority was playing against us.....and I struck out that girl and her whole sorority that she was in and it made her hate me even more....lol......and over a year later he asked me to take him back and played games and tried to make me jealous first.....and I told him no way.....he asked me for help studying and I told him to find another person to tutor and help him.....and cried all the way home as I drove myself back to my dorm....
I didn't date good guys again....I said out loud, "I'm never going through this pain again and getting rejected like this again. I'm never dating a good guy again." -And I didn't....I dated really really awful guys and it was not a good choice.....
and I go through patches where I don't date at all for years and just focus on working and other stuff and get lonely and miss having a guy to talk to, joke with, cuddle, etc. etc.
but that dream made me realize that I do need to date a good man that actually loves and cares about me instead of dating guys that are selfish and either have commitment issues or are clingy and want me to financially support them, etc.
and social media....lets me see a couple guys that I passed on that are friends with me that were super over the mood for me....and their level of being in to me scared me....and they're in relationships and have moved on years later.....but I don't think they were the guy meant for me....so that's fine...
the guy in my dream was tall, had dark hair, was English/British or American...not sure.....was an empath and could read me without me having to say stuff....we connected and he cared about me....he loved me.....and I really want that...
I thought about the stuff spoken over me from the adults I had to deal with when in foster care.....often times I'd just come home from a long day at school....walk into the house and immediately get berated and called names and told that I was not loved and that I was going to hell.....had so many foster parents say things like that to me and not talk to the other girls who actually had families and were only short term and returning to their families like that.....I had no family....was trapped and felt like an endless loop of seeing new girls and watching them leave for holidays and then leaving to return to their families for good and I had no where to go.....no one to spend holidays with and my life was empty....just going to school, working and being told constantly that I was stupid, ugly, not loved and going to hell....and meanwhile I was going to church and trying to keep believing in God who I felt had abandoned me.
I think about that I used to be able to make friends so easily and was happy prior to losing my dad to cancer and becoming orphaned....and how the things that I went through changed me....in some ways for good...and in some ways not so good....
that's why I like the personality tests....I can see both the strengths and the parts that are not so healthy for me as an Enneagram Type 5....and INTJ.....I know that I stay home and don't really do anything or talk to anyone....and I just work....that's it...
and I want to meet a man...I just don't know how....or where.....but I definitely am over punishing and hating myself for being different and being an orphan......
I need to move on quickly and not settle and put up with abuse, put downs from an insecure guy....I don't[ deserve more years of hearing negative emotionally abusive stuff and not being loved....that is so empty and not worth dealing with and tolerating.....I used to tolerate it cos I would get so lonely that I thought it was the best I was going to get and didn't deserve a good man and felt that a good man would never love and accept me......
also that guy from college that I was engaged to....he posts some boring overly religious stuff on his Facebook all the time.......actually glad that we didn't work out....lol
that's it.
thanks
