so tonight....I stood up and put a boundary with my boss....
she first stated how well I've done while going over my numbers which were during the time I had covid from mid Jan to mid Feb 2022.....
then she changed as fast as one could blink an eye and went hard on me after telling me that my small raise and the lack of a bonus for the team was cos our team isn't offering for callers to do surveys enough.
she mentioned yet again that covid could have long term affects on my brain and I told her...you know....no one knows if that's true or not....for all we know it won't have any long term affects and I choose to be positive and not think one way or the other about having had covid cos no one knows really what it will or won't do long term....if anything....and that stopped her....and I could tell it surprised her...she wanted to scare me like she did a few weeks ago with telling me that covid was going to affect my brain....lol....
I got 4 really good surveys on my service from various types of calls that I worked during that time despite being severely sick....and I reminded her that I only do calls 2 times per week and the rest of the days that I work and time is all on-line work and I don't speak to anyone.....I do say it and comply with that part of the job....but very few people want to do it....and the ones that did take the time....they really appreciated how I went above and beyond to help them.....but that doesn't seem to affect anything cos she has her mind made up about me and she does not like me personally at all....she's a very insecure woman and she brought up that I have very good skills in my area of my license....
but then she brought up this call from a lady that I got that was behaved very unprofessional and kept talking over me and yelling at me....and wouldn't let me do my job...the lady was abusive.....
my boss called me a black and white thinker....this was the 2nd time she has labeled me that label and I let her know this time that it was unprofessional to label an employee a "black and white thinker" and that she doesn't really know me well enough to make that judgment about me and assess me like that....and that using a clinical term for me when I am an employee and not her client is unprofessional...
and she tried to manipulate and save her face by saying she meant that I was a black and white thinker for this situation....and I reminded her that she had called me a "black and white thinker" before and then she tells me how she's disappointed in me...and I told her that she has said that before as well over a minor issue....
anyway, I summarized that I will help people no matter what and do better (and take their abuse)...she said, "see you're not getting it" and she was condescending towards me....as if I'm stupid when the matter was quite simple but she was making it more complicated than necessary.....the gist of the message from her was that I need to take and accept abusive calls.....anyway....my boss snapped at me again so I said, I think I'm going to be quiet cos it sounds like you are misunderstanding me and by me talking more isn't helping and that I wasn't going to say anything else.
So with that...it was a short meeting....my boss has really unrealistic expectations and poor boundaries. -you can't just call people "black and white thinkers" and say you're "disappointed" as if I'm in trouble like a child....and I am more than aware that no matter what others do....she makes it my fault and does not see my side of things at all....she does not have my back....she micromanages and she sucks to work for....the only good things about her is that I don't have to deal with her all the time...just once per week....
and interesting enough....one of the other managers decided to send me a kudos for my work tonight....I'm sure that didn't please my boss that the other manager decided to do that....I was shocked about it...and very grateful and told her that the kudos certificate made my night....it's just a virtual piece of paper...but everyone saw that she did that...and that was a kindness that I needed cos I felt so shitty after my meeting with my boss....
I had to keep working but as soon as I got my late lunch break at 10pm....I cried and called a prayer line....which rushed me through what I needed prayer for.....which made me feel worse....
most of yesterday as well as a couple hours before work I spent the time praying and asking God to have favor on me and let the meeting go well and for that boss to have favor on me....and even though she is mean to me at work....I asked God to forgive my resentment and asked him to bless her as well as throw distractions in her path so that her eyes are not so focused on me so that she will stop bullying me....
and it's hard as a Christian to keep believing that things are going to work out....
I am scared that this boss is going to terminate me...and I am scared about my future....I am so tired of working for crazy toxic bosses that play manipulative games and put me down and over-work me and aren't grateful for the hard work that I put in....
God allows this cycle to keep happening to me where I work my guts out and I'm good at what I do....and it goes unappreciated and bosses that climb the ladder quickly and don't know what they're doing and have a personality that is narcissistic and a tad sociopath...who end up just terminating me....which makes things harder on my life cos I don't have it easy.....I don't want to be homeless....losing a job for me is a bigger impact than on someone that has family and money set aside....I live check to check...I don't have a savings or anything.....
its frustrating that no matter how nice I am and how hard I work...it's not appreciated and I get treated like I'm some villain and a dumb person....the cycle of trying to constantly survive is tiring and tonight all I could think is how much I hated myself for who I am and growing up in the foster system....no amount of education and skills that I have can wipe that away from who I am and it sucks. it really does.
and standing up to her for calling me a black and white thinker....maybe I should had kept my mouth shut like I did last time...but by doing that last time didn't make things any better....which is why I decided to stand up and tell her that it was not professional to say that to me as an employee....I'm not a black and white thinker....and I'm not a mental patient for her or anyone....this whole thing depressed me so much....
and I did look for jobs and prayed a lot this weekend.....feels like my prayers just don't matter to God as much as prayers from others that seem to get blessed and don't have to worry about being homeless and losing a job like I have to....and I don't do anything....I don't drink, I don't do drugs...I don't date....all I do is work....my life seriously sucks...it's lonely and I feel like a slave...
sorry to this is negative....I'm trying so hard to not let this keep me down....
