random music for 6.07.2022

here's some random music to listen to:

Frank Sinatra

From 'ole blue eyes to blues rock....Kenny Wayne Shepherd

Postmodern Jukebox

Jeff Buckley

collaboration...but my focus is on Prince who is an amazing guitarist and underrated for his skills:

 

 

life is a battle

 sometimes I ask God, "why can't I just have a break and have it easy like most people? Why do I need constant battles and terrible situations thrown at me?" 

Christians will say, "it's to teach you patience" when going through a lot of difficult shit....but I don't think that's always the case....

first, let me be clear that I am a Christian...I was told recently that I can come off as an Atheist and that had I not had certain experiences that I probably would be a hard Atheist....that might be true....but I do love Jesus...He is the only one that can completely understand the level of rejection, abuse and other things that I've gone through in my life....and He's also the only one that loves and accepts me....I do keep praying for a man cos it does say, "two are better than one"...."where two are gathered," etc. etc. -I am alone and I have waited a long time to find a person to just accept me....you don't have to understand me....but just accept and love me and be there for me and I'll be there for you, too...I will have your back 100%...

I had a rough childhood....we moved a lot and we lived in 3 different states. I think I attended a total of 23 schools...and I motivated myself to finish though I did want to drop out my senior year, because my foster parents were so abusive that I wanted to die and I didn't see a way out....my senior year seemed to drag on and felt like it would never end...

before I was even in foster care though....yes, my parents moved to 3 different states and I went to 23 different schools....my dad just didn't seem content and he also constantly got different vehicles. My parents did not get along and divorced when I was 9 years old. I was so glad....they argued so much...I was sick of hearing it. I'm not going to say anything else about them, because they're deceased and not alive to give their side of things....

anyway, as a kid, I often played outside in nature alone....I played in the woods behind our house in Michigan....I played in the creek and in the pond in Texas....I played in the desert and on the mountains in Arizona.....I was always outside. The constant for me was the stars.....the stars were my best friend and provided peace and comfort and escape...I loved looking at the stars no matter what state I lived in. I also loved music and art. I was always drawing by myself. My dad bought me a mini keyboard as well as a guitar from Goodwill. The guitar was missing several strings but I still played it...he bought those for me when I was in the 4th grade. 

when I was in the 6th grade....one of my paintings....a unicorn received recognition at my school....but my Dad said that it wasn't a creature that God made and made me throw it away in the dumpster at our apartment. He was a former Catholic that converted to Full Gospel/Charismatic....and I could still see the strict private Catholic school boy in him as I look back....but the faith is what helped me and got me through a lot of very tough times....so I'm actually glad that my Dad was the way he was....

my half brother was 10 years older than me and he was not just a bully....he was abusive and an evil man....I told my dad about stuff my half brother did and my dad said that my half brother had always had an anger problem since he was little and told me about a time that he bought him a 4 wheeler when they were living in California (where he met and married my mom)...anyway, my half brother grabbed my guitar and my keyboard as well as my toys and threw them away in the dumpster at my mom's apartment complex....I cried to my dad about it...but he didn't replace them....so the music stopped at that point. I still listened to the radio and sang along....so singing and drawing didn't stop. 

fast forward to my dad died of colon cancer and I had to grow up in foster care in another state....

the social worker that I had laughed at me for wanting to go to college and threw away my college application...I saw her laugh....but didn't know she threw it away until I got rejected for a small scholarship by the committee that investigated and said that there was no confirmation that I was accepted into the college and though they wanted to give me the scholarship....they had to give it to someone else that was confirmed for college. I went to the administrative building and walked to my social worker's office and I asked her what happened to my college application....she bluntly told me that she tossed it into the trash as soon as I left the room and laughed this cocky laugh and said, "you'll never get in. a person like you will be lucky to go to community college and will probably become a stripper and live in the streets" and she then she went back to writing and doing whatever it was she was doing at her desk. She was obviously finished speaking to me. Another foster parent that was on that campus said the same thing to me and laughed and said that I'd probably become a stripper. I went to school daily, I held a regular job year round, I went to church every Sunday....and never got into trouble.....didn't do anything and didn't understand why I was judged like that. 

I did cry....but then I called the college with the 10 minutes that I was allowed to use to call from the kitchen for my one call for the day....and I asked for a 2nd college application to be sent to me. They sent it,....as soon as I received it...I completed it...and I marched back to the administrative building and went again to the social worker's office and told her to sign it and to give me a stamp and told her that I was not trusting her to mail the application and just wanted her to sign off the legal guardian stuff so that I could apply and get accepted. 

the grim truth is if I had not gone to college....I would had become homeless as soon as I graduated high school....I didn't have family or a place to go.....when you age out of the system....you don't have anywhere to go and no longer considered a kid....so I had to get that application completed so that I had a solid plan before I aged out and finished high school....and I did get accepted and I drove myself and moved myself to the college dorm and watched all the kids with their parents and families and felt lonely....but was happy that I was in college and going to do something with my life....it was not just to keep me from being homeless at 18...I just wanted something meaningful to do with my life and to have a solid plan so that I could get jobs. I qualified for pell grants and loans and paid off my student loans by working 3 jobs at the same time after college....

but yeah....a college education did not spare me or make it easier to get jobs....a masters degree didn't either....I put myself through graduate school and watched as people that didn't have the work experience that I did....get jobs because they knew people at the company and also some got jobs cos they were certain ethnicities and met equal opportunity bullshit card....

so, things aren't easier just because I do have a lot of education. In fact, I do wish I could get more education cos I hate my job and wish I could find something that's not toxic and a healthier and more meaningful work environment....but it is what it is.....it's adulthood I suppose....

and it is hard to walk on his earth alone....working a lot to pay bills and having chaotic hours that make my sleep schedule a mess is challenging. working for a department that has managers and assistant managers that treat me like shit is depressing.....I just want to be appreciated and accepted.....and wish I knew a safe place to meet guys....have had too many bad experiences on dating apps to ever use them again....

that's it. 

I could use a cuddle though 

thanks for reading 

NOT an INFJ

A lot of people like to claim that Adolf Hitler was an INFJ.....NOPE...wrong!!! He was an INFP....INFP is very similar. HOWEVER, INFP's...unlike INFJ's go so strongly with their gut that they don't listen to any logic or reason at all. 

I had a coworker a few years ago that was an INFP....I tried to tell her that I could tell this person's body language and behavior was possibly a Borderline Personality Disorder and could tell that the woman did not like her at all....my coworker dismissed me and laughed and told me that the woman loved her and I was wrong. I pointed out the behavior that I saw that clearly showed she was not trustworthy and did not like her......well, long story short....my coworker called me crying and told me that the person caused her to lose her job and even worse.....reported her to the licensing board and was going after her license that she worked hard for.....she asked me to drive her to the capital city where she had to watch jury trials before her own court appearance and was shaking so badly that it was good that I was driving the whole way there and back....I tried to give her more logical advise about her situation....but again...she went by her feelings and didn't want to listen to me even though I was right about that woman.....my coworker made decisions that at times were impulsive and not planned out, which is part of her personality type....but with me thinking about the big picture and seeing the possible potholes....she still just would not listen and just wanted to go ahead with her impulsive choices. She burned me a couple times and played games....I don't deal with games...I did the "INFJ door slam" on her and blocked her phone and on social media so that she couldn't call crying and ask me to be her friend again. She could be a sweet person and could be generous as well....the car that I drove for her was a rental that she paid for and she paid for the gas and paid for us to stay at a holiday inn so that we could have time to drive to the capital city after we got off from work and then wake up the next day for that public hearing.....it was generous of her to pay for all that...all I had to do is be calm, reliable, and drive...

So, INFP's are often mistaken for INFJ....but when you look at the impulsive behavior and doing things on a whim....not an INFJ....when you look at their inability to stay calm and their strong beliefs that they are right no matter what.....that is not an INFJ....I constantly doubt myself....I do sometimes swing more towards being an INTJ and can separate my feelings from a person and situation....and think logically out about something and plan....and if something that I say hurts someone's feelings...I won't spare it if I think they need to hear something that is serious and going to impact not just them but others as well...I try to say it gently if I can tell the person is fragile or if they're vulnerable....if the person is evil...I don't care to spare their feelings...

Another personality type mistaken for INFJ is ISFJ.....ISFJ's can see through a person and agree with an INFJ about that person....and yet they will sit right next to them and have lunch with them. They're also ok with exaggerating and lying.....I like ISFJ's....but I don't tend to be close to them cos they can be mean and they can exaggerate and not care if you can tell that they are not being honest...

ESFJ is another personality that can be mistaken for INFJ.....INFJ's can be bubbly and talkative at times and friendly....though they need to be alone to recharge later. ESFJ's don't need to recharge. ESFJ's....are psycho and can be so highly manipulative,. I worked with one gal that was an ESFJ that out of no where just started crying in the office....I looked around like, "wow...she's not going to go to the bathroom and do that in private or go to her car? Is she wanting my attention or the attention of someone else?" So, even though I didn't want to open that can of worms and had a lot of paperwork that I needed to finish and a long drive home (took an hour to an almost 2 hours in rush hour traffic to get home from our office to where I lived)....anyway, I asked her what was wrong....and she said all this stuff that didn't seem like a big deal to me....so I offered some logical possible solutions (that's a very INTJ thing to do...I just sometimes can't relate to a woman crying for no reason...and don't know how to feel in that way with showing support other than offering logical solutions and problem-solving)....anyway, some other women came in and she had a group around her and they were all chit chatting....and I ignored them and then left to turn in my paperwork and go home. lol. 

Another experience I had with an ESFJ....there was this guy that I met on a dating app....and he claimed that he had a vocal issue and claimed that his wife died as well as his kids. Pretty shocking to write to someone that you've never met in person and don't know....AND on a dating app....lol. He also had this huge thing for Adele...(gag..I can't stand Adele...she can't sing...she does this thing with the vowels, "aahhhhEEEEEEEE"....I can't stand that....and she sounds like she smokes a couple of cartons of cigarettes....and now that she's had all her plastic surgery and fat removal...she's become even more of a super bitch....she's got an ego and it's obvious)....anyway, he kept lying to me and didn't care that it seemed obvious to me that he was lying....he was so manipulative...I guess he figured that I was stupid and believe him. Long story short....I looked up fan pages for Adele cos he was a mega fan....and I found him and I saw other people commenting to him and asking how his wife and kids were doing.....it made me so nauseous and I hated that I was right about him...I did not want to be right about him. Long story short....when he saw that I figured him out...he cut me off...I didn't have to INFJ door slam him....but once he did cut me off or "ghost me"....I blocked him on everything so that he could't find me or make up more lies and cry and want me to take him back, etc. What a scumbag that guy is to cheat on his wife and lie and say she's dead as well as their kids.....I hope she finds out and divorces him and protects herself and her kids....he seems like the type to be like Chris Watts. 

I'm sorry, but if you are an empath of any kind....run when you meet an ESFJ....doesn't matter how charming and attractive they are.....they're psycho, manipulative, love to lie and exaggerate for attention and did I mention that they're psycho? They also cheat a lot....I have a story about a male friend that is an INFJ that dated a psycho ESFJ but going to keep it private....but it affirms that ESFJ's are to be avoided and don't feel badly for ESFJ's....they travel in packs and know how to find another person to date as fast as your or they break things off.....just don't date another....as soon as you see the signs....run as fast as you can....don't wait and hope that they'll get better or change....they won't....move on....move on fast. 

Keep in mind....all personality types can have flaws or personality disorders or use substances....no one is perfect or an angel.....and just cos someone has the same personality type as someone else does not mean that they will be exactly alike....they might have different Enneagram types that make them more unique. I like the Enneagram personality type....it's the peanut butter to the Myers Briggs/16 personality type/MBTI....it's a good way to fully understand and see more about a person's personality type. 

For example, I think Johnny Depp is probably an INFJ for the 16 personality/MBTI...and I think he's also an Enneagram Type 5 (I'm an INFJ....often an INTJ....and an Enneagram Type 5....so I can recognize people that are similar to me).