Dating apps and dating in general really really sucks.
There's so many guys in my age range that "don't know what they want" and have commitment issues. I am not here to change them or make them commit OR wait around for them to commit.
I went through a relationship already with a guy for 8 years that had commitment issues and would love me one minute....then get bored and he felt like he loved one of his ex's and would go back to an ex or talk about an ex....I got tired of it. I would break up as soon as he acted like that and try to move on....of coarse he wanted his cake and eat it, too. So he did a lot of games to prevent me from moving on and deleting him from my life for good. It took me moving and changing all of my routines and putting all of my social media accounts on private, deleting my blog....everything to get him out of my life. He would show up at the Starbucks that he figured out that I frequented. He showed up at my church. He was not kind to me and my son....and he was verbally abusive and discouraged us both in our creative endeavors. My son loved to write stories and he put him down and made fun of him.....my son shut down and stopped writing and stopped letting himself be vulnerable after that. He constantly made fun of me when I would practice singing, playing piano or playing guitar and would do anything he could to disrupt my practice time.....he criticized me so much that I stopped playing music completely.
So, I gave a dating app a chance. I was talking to 3 guys....one had not messaged me back in over a week..he always took days to respond prior to ghosting me.....so deleted him.
The other two were messaging me sort of daily. One guy was an INFJ personality type and but he would not open up.....I had to constantly initiate conversation. I would say, "what streams and shows/movies have you watched or liked" and he would say, "I'm too busy to watch tv"....pretentious answer and so I let it go and said, "what kind of music do you like" and he mentioned a couple of bands and then said, "what about you" and he started doing the "what about you" a lot or reply with "lol" or an emoji when I would ask him a question and would not make any attempts to communicate beyond that. He mentioned about women that look like Instagram models and have degrees in certain fields on that app.....so, I figured that he must had had high standards and I didn't know what his purpose was for liking me and chatting with me with what little chat that he did....I got tired of the games and his lack of communication......you can't expect one person doing all the communication/working on the relationship and attempting to get to know the other. So I deleted him and glad I did.
The third guy was judgmental and pretentious as well.....and I deleted him also. He said he was "migrating" back to Maine.....but in actuality he was living in Texas and just moved and started another job.....so I guess he isn't "migrating" anywhere....lol
I ended up deleting that app all together, because a TON of married guys are on it and state that they are in an open relationship and want a casual relationship only and happily married....and I got tired of seeing that.....it's a dating app for singles and mostly it's supposed to let women be in control...it's called bumble or something like that....anyway, seeing so many married guys on this app daily and having the crappy experiences with those 3 guys....I deleted it.
I still have the other app called ok cupid. It sucks, too. But at least with that app you see a bit more background questions answered and can tell immediately if that guy is not ready for a relationship and if they toxic, etc. But so far, it sucks.....so many agnostic guys on that app....and so many that are using drugs on it.....
so, I think I might give up on the dating apps and just try to accept that I'm single and will stay that way and don't have a shot at meeting a decent guy. There's no decent guys ready for a relationship.
I have had really really bad experiences with guys on dating apps in the past. They are mainly out for sex and not in it for a relationship.....and are aggressive about the sex. A majority do not feel the need to have a proper date and buy dinner or even a drink from Starbucks....and yet immediately put their hands on me and try to have sex.....and a lot of them do not look like in person what their picture looks like on their apps either.
A lot of these guys on dating apps won't open up and will push to meet in person and then have tried to rape me....have had it happen several times. I really need to get mace....
had I not had my own personal supernatural experiences, I probably would be a hardcore atheist. I definitely don't like organized religion....the people that move up the ranks are the same that move up in corporate jobs.....ladder climbers....don't truly care about people....just the attention and accolades they get from the work of those under them....
my first experience happened when I was in the 3rd grade....
shortly after my parents divorced we had to go to daycare. I had a dream that my mom was going to try to kidnap us from school...I saw the van in the dream and everything....and I had not been to this daycare yet.....I told my Dad about my dream and for some reason he took me seriously.....the very next day as the daycare bus was picking up my sister and I up from school....I saw my mother and she looked desperate and the van doors quickly closed and we were taken to the daycare....my dad told me that he alerted the daycare that my mother might try to take us and that they needed to make sure to take us straight to daycare until he could pick us up after he got off from work....
my Dad briefly remarried to an Italian woman when I was in the 3rd grade....he was married to her for a year.....she was an abusive bitch. I was happy that they divorced. she fooled all of us....he met her at our daycare....she was one of the teachers.....he was dating another lady that was nice and had a son and a daughter that were older than us.....but he chose this Italian lady that had a son.....she acted nice, was a fantastic cook.....then they married....she was high maintenance and wanted a lot of materialistic things from my dad....she didn't work...she stayed home....and when we came home from school she made us do chores....she mainly hated me....she assigned me to do a lot of chores. If I didn't do a chore to her level of perfection, such as the dishes...I had to wash them all again by hand....she forced me to use dish soap that I was extremely allergic to....my hands were so raw from using that soap and the constant rashes that my hands would bleed....but my dad said nothing. one time during breakfast...I let him know that she was abusive towards me and my siblings....and he looked down and said nothing....as soon as he left for work she grabbed a rolling pin and beat me over the head and body repeatedly for ratting her out.
when they divorced...my dad was poor....he lost the house and everything....so we went to live in an apartment to be closer to my mother so that she could sort of watch us after school....
the street where the apartment was located was creepy.....it was obvious it was a bad neighborhood and that's saying a lot from someone that came from the bad part of Detroit to this town out west.
anyway, my sister decided to spend the night at our mother's and was closer to her than to our dad even though our dad favored her.....
I had a bad feeling all day.....I asked my dad if I could trade rooms with my little brother just for the night to be closer to him....so my brother slept in my bed and I slept in his...and when I say room....my brother actually slept in a makeshift room...it was actually the dining room and my dad slept on the couch in the living room and my sister and I had the only actual room in the apartment.....
anyway, I had this fear come over me....and I looked out the window and kept hearing a scratching sound....and was hoping it was just a tree against the breeze....but this state really didn't have much of a breeze or trees....lol....I looked over and felt this dark presence. I couldn't shake it. I was so scared. I looked again towards the living room by the 19 inch fatback television that was faced towards the couch.....and a short demon peered around it and looked at me. I sat straight up. I quickly said, "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!" and instantly fear was on the face of the demon and he left. He was not tall....he was short...probably actually 4 foot tall....it was more of the presence and the darkness that made it scary as opposed to build and stature....
the next dream that I had that came true was of my dad getting cancer....I was in the 7th grade. I didn't understand what it was that was consuming him from the inside...I just know he was being consumed from the inside and I could see it had eaten my dad's stomach and organs and there was all this blood and that my dad was dying....and I was crying and screaming for my dad and woke up crying. I ran to my dad who was sitting in his chair watching tv and reading his newspaper.....we were living in a rental house and it was sunny outside....and my dad reassured me and told me that it was just a nightmare and that he was not going to die.....and patted me on the head.
as I was starting the 8th grade.....my dad's youngest sister, Judy, a heroin addict, was the only one that would take my sister and I to visit my dad in the hospital....we only got to see him once....but I reminded him of my dream and his face got white and his eyes had this look of fear, but he remembered my dream......
the next event....
my dad had died....not long after I started the 8th grade....
my half brother was relentless on physical and verbal abuse...and I was not allowed to eat for weeks at a time.....he and my cousins used my dad's death benefit money that my siblings and I were supposed to receive on fast food, movies and whatever they wanted.....and my half brother taunted me and told me that my dad was dead and burning in hell and was laughing as well as my cousins....
I cried and prayed hard......I fell asleep crying.....I woke up from a nightmare of my dad dangling from a rope and about to drop into a fiery pit to a presence in the room.....I looked at the corner of my room by my bedroom door and there was this tall man.....so tall he had to hunch his head cos the ceiling was too short in the rental house where my mother, etc. lived.....he had on white and a gold sash around his waist.....and I felt ashamed and unworthy to be in his presence and was afraid.......he was holding this baby.....and I took that as a sign that my dad's new soul was in Heaven...and not in Hell.....then I jumped down from my bunk bed and woke up my older sister and was scared. she was annoyed and told me to go back to sleep and that it was just a nightmare....and she went back to sleep with her box fan blowing on her face....
my mother called me a witch for having these experiences and having dreams that come true. so I asked God to take it away....and haven't had these types of dreams since childhood.
I found out later from my cousin on my dad's side that my Grandmother and Uncle both had dreams that came true and were also intuitive and empathic......kinda helped me to feel more normal and less weird and alien......ohwell.
when I did my ancestry and found out my mom is related to Ralph Waldo Emerson....I went to Barnes and Noble and got a book about him....and cried as I saw he went through a lot of the same things as me....and smiled at the insight and brilliance he had despite the rough times he's had....he was a dreamer and a visionary.......helped me to not feel so alien or alone to see a family member was similar......
anyway, caution.....please don't read if easily offended or if a child. thanks.
so....here goes...
I miss having a man to lay beside...
so wake up during a lazy day where we both had slept in....
to see a smile on his face....and the warm sunshine just behind him....
clean sheets that we snuggle in.....
and I feel safe....
I miss looking at a man from the back....
to see the "v" shape of his shoulder blades and the back......
perhaps it's a primal thing.....and the frontal cortex part of the brain's way of looking to him as a shield and protector..
to feel a soft kiss....and a strong embrace
to make a man laugh so hard it hurts in his guts....
to spend time saying nothing....but a look says everything...
to hear the rain......
to see the stars....
night and day....I want to be his....
to be loved and appreciated
to love and appreciate and protect right back....
to eat outside at a cafe and people watch and notice the same things and laugh about it together....
to not be fully understood but fully accepted anyway....
I know my faults....I have many.....and will try to work on them....
I tend to hide and retreat when there's a fight.,...I can't think when I'm stressed and don't feel safe...
but I don't want to do that...I want to talk rationally when we are both rational and maybe even just laugh it off cos later on....maybe it won't be as big of a deal....or maybe we were both tired or hungry....
to make up passionately is the best part of disagreements...
to connect on every level....conscious, unconscious, our souls....and be as one
but still respect space and have a life as to not suffocate....I am an introvert by the way...I have to have downtime to recharge...and I'm sure you have friends you want to go hang out with or family.....and that's ok....I'll be here when you come home...
to watch movies and tv shows or listen to music together......I know a lot about music but guys always manage to know more and show me songs that I've never heard of...
I could go on and on....
did I mention I miss the kisses and the snuggles....
to go to sleep and hear light snoring.....
and to wake up and see he's still asleep....so peaceful and beautiful...
did I mention I love the smell of clean sheets as well? lol
to sit outside and look at the stars.....and hear the crickets as background music
I'm 5'4".....so I'm not tall....so pull me into your arms....
and show me your Jedi ways....
did I mention I'm a dork? well that's out of the bag now, isn't it?
my mind has nothing else to add....
if you have something to add....you can drop it as an annyomous comment below or not....
maybe you'll keep the thought in your head like I do....
I heard this description of a "scapegoat" in a family as being these characteristics:
1. smart
2. observant of others (usually having to be aware if a parent or parents or parental figures are in a bad mood, high, drunk, etc.)
3. sensitive/more aware of their environment and stand up and say, "hey this is wrong"
4. empathetic
in a narcissistic family....the narcissist will project all of their stuff onto the scapegoat.
So, for me..
I grew up with this situation: my mother had been married previously and had a son that was over 10 years older than me.....she met my Dad in California....he was younger than her....but wanted to take care of her and her son and have his own kids/family with her....so they moved to Michigan....had my older sister, who they planned.....then few years later had me...I was not planned...then my little brother whom my dad was glad to have a son...so although he was not planned...they were both happy to have a boy. So, I was kinda the typical middle child. My family moved constantly....we lived in 3 different states by the time I was starting the 2nd grade....he moved out west to be near his family....she had family that retired out west as well....but she was not close to his family....my dad was sort of tight-knit with his family....and divorced by the time I was starting the 3rd grade. My maternal grandpa..I only saw him once...he died when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade....my fraternal Granddad Dad died when I was in the 5th grade....then my Dad died of colon cancer as I was starting my 8th grade year. My dad had custody of the 3 of us biological kids....my half brother was already an adult....when my dad died...unfortunately we all went to live with my mother and her son....he convinced the GED people to let him take his test at home and used my dad's death as an excuse and had me take the math portion for him so that he could pass it.
my half brother hated me. he beat me and bullied me since I was little. My dad usually put a swift stop to it....but I remember my dad telling me that my half brother always had anger issues and that he would trash and destroy things since he was little, etc. Anyway, not going into how bad it got...but I was not allowed to eat...was abused and neglected so badly that CPS and cops did nothing....so my only option was running away where I was finally placed into foster care.....my mom signed over legal rights to the state so I became the legal child of the state....my mom died from a car wreck....
foster parents were not mentally stable and caring people....my dad's social security death benefits and the state benefits was the only reason they were interested in me....
I went to about 21 total different schools...managed to do all chores and hold a job during my senior year.
I did have foster parents my senior year that were so bad that I contemplated killing myself by wrecking my car into high speed traffic on the freeway....counseling did nothing to help me....I could go on and on...
anyway, fast forward to bad guys being attracted to me that I hoped truly loved me. I never requested that they pay anything. in fact, I usually paid for myself or for both of us when I dated and was in relationships....I didn't drink in college at all....and didn't like the feeling of no control or not being able to be aware of my surroundings, especially when asleep....so unlike the typical statistic of foster kids...I did not do drugs, did not become a drunk....I put myself through college and graduate school....
however, I attracted a lot of toxic guys. I was often told that I wasn't like the typical girl and was "different" constantly by guys that I dated....I'm a minimalist and although I do like my purses and silver jewelry...I bought them only recently and didn't typically spend much on myself outside of necessities.
long story short....this scapegoat attracted very abusive guys
I've also somehow gotten hired by narcissistic managers that are bullies and abusive.
I really think that just as I can read people from a mile away and pick up on things....although I tend to dismiss my gut feelings and things that I pick up and always hope that I'm wrong about the person and try to be warm and friendly.....but it usually burns me....and these people usually use me and toss me pretty quickly......
I have finally gotten to the point that I don't have self hatred and blame myself for the abusive guys and toxic narcissistic bosses that use me to do their work and then fire me....
I will say though...I have not dated in years and a bit afraid that I'll attract another abusive guy. I just really want to be loved and attract a guy that wants that as well....I'm not a materialistic or high maintenance woman as they say.....pretty simple....I work hard....I keep to myself....I'm friendly, warm and polite if I do have to interact with people...but usually spend my days working, watching tv, listening to music, walking, taking care of my pets and that's it.....no drama....simple
I do try to focus on the words of my former jewish mentor....she never explained why I attract abusive guys.....instead all she said was that as soon as I know that they are bad to "get out quick"....I'm the type that tries to make something work and see it through.....but I am able to let go and move on quickly which is probably something I had to learn with going to so many schools and moving a lot.
so, I try not to beat myself up when a guy turns out to be awful....but like I mentioned...I haven't dated in years so it's not like I have tried to look at all......
but for jobs....it's so hard to avoid narcissists and bullies. my job is so cut-throat. I wish I had not wasted so much money and time in the profession that I studied in college and graduate school....but it is what it is.....
anyway, the narcissistic managers and assistant managers tend to be quick to bully me. I have 3 that highly micromanage me. they read all of my messages on our work messaging app....we use this teams thing....anyway, nothing is private and my direct manager has repeated to me 3 conversations that I've had with 3 different co-workers just to let me know she watches me......the 2 assistant managers will message me and tell me to hurry up. I posted that the weather was bad in my area....had a tornado a couple months ago and this assistant manager wanted to know exactly what city and state that I live in to fact check me.....she has done this twice now and does not do this to anyone else....she always wants to know details on why a project will take me 40 minutes when I asked for 40 minutes to complete an assignment that she gave me....it's ridiculous. My work laptop stopped working....my manager requested that the tech team include her on the UPS tracking code so she could watch when it arrived to my apartment.....I am not a person that is untrustworthy. I sign in 30 minutes early for work to get all systems on that I have to work with.....and have had to work 30 to an hour late if a call comes in as I'm about to leave at the end of my shift.....we aren't paid extra....I don't holidays off or extra to work on a holiday. My boss is nasty about if I ask to flex my time when I have worked over and said I'm salary and don't need to flex the over time.....
anyway, I figured out the reason that the 3 bosses that bully me....why they treat me like I'm not trustworthy and need to be highly micromanaged unlike other people on my team....is because they probably recognize me as the scapegoat and they probably bully people in their family that is the scapegoat as well....
I truly believe the family dynamic follows people in all of their relationships.
anyway, if you are also a scapegoat that has attracted toxic narcissistic bullies....it's not your fault....
if I could....I would quit my job. I have applied at other positions in my company to get away from the 3 bosses that mistreat me....but my direct manager has blocked it......I have also applied at jobs outside of my company. nothing had opened up yet. I am waiting and hoping something better comes up soon.
which brings me to my next point, you can't change a bad manager....Human Resources will not help you...they are on the side of the manager only.....the only way for a bad manager to be replaced is if they piss off their manager or director...which they are good at sucking up and playing the game and use manipulative tactics since they have no practical experience and climb the ladder quickly.....so the only way to escape is transferring or leaving the job for another job.
as for relationships.....toxic people tend to make tons of threats and are vindictive types of people...I don't doubt that they will follow through on some of their threats except the ones to hurt themselves, because they're too narcissistic to hurt themselves unless they are doing it for a specific reason, such as hurting themselves to set you up and cause legal issues for you to "teach you a lesson" for rejecting them.....anyway, since you already know they are the type to be petty, vindictive and evil....just leave and if they do something....I would recommend prayer and also finding good legal representation that actually cares about people and wants to fight for you and not someone that is out for money....anyway, get out quickly.....don't wait around hoping it will get better or hoping for a good day cos they acted nice one time....that's the thing....toxic people are usually so charming/manipulative and know what to say and what to do to get people to like them.....but it's a facade.....don't be fooled by fakery....fakery doesn't last. A real relationship doesn't seem like a honeymoon and intoxicating.....that's all the feels of a narcissist that sucked you in...
thanks for reading. xxx
p.s. some memes/jokes to lighten this seriousness:
