dad and replacing his gravestone part 2

 my parents divorced when I was in the 2nd grade....my dad was granted full custody of the 3 of us....my eldest brother that was almost 11 years older was not his son and he was already an adult and lived with my mom. 

my older sister quite often would ask to stay at my mom's....

I was not close to my mom....she was not kind to me. she was mean and seemed to hate me....so, I chose to stay at my dad's along with my younger autistic brother and would care for him while my dad stayed gone at work. 

sometimes my dad would work and hang out with his friends and family and I would not see him for days...so, I had to just get used to taking care of myself and my younger brother. my younger brother was Autistic and on the severe end of it.....he was non-verbal and was working with a speech teacher to learn sign-language. so I had to figure out what he wanted and what the signs he was doing meant....I was not taught sign language.

anyway, because I was responsible for my little brother...it left no room to be a kid and have a life of my own......so, my free time was spent reading books and watching tv....it depended on where we lived...sometimes I would play outside in nature by myself....we have lived in areas that had woods, areas that had a creek, areas that had mountains.....but it was only for a year each time....my dad decided each time to move to the state where he had family.....which was typical big city with lots of ugly concrete...

anyway, even though my dad neglected me and didn't really care if there was food in the frig while he stayed gone working and socializing with his family and friends.....his physical presence still protected me....no one screwed with me while he was alive.....he protected me.....

not having my dad alive and around made me quickly see that he protected me......

not having the protection of my dad and going through immense abuse after his death made me see the power a father has in a family.....and wish more men would step up to be a parent regardless if they are divorced or not....

what makes me sad....is although my dad had a big turn out of people to his funeral....none of them cared about where he was buried. none of them visited his grave. none of them cared that it was vandalized and someone stole his headstone and left beer bottles and smashed the other grave stones around....

and I think about what my funeral will be like....there probably won't be one. I don't really have any close friends and no family......and weird to think that I need to figure out how to pay for a place for my body to be buried, a casket and all entailed for that....

in finally getting a hold of someone that works or used to work at the gravesite where my dad's body is buried.....she told me that there's no way to know where he was buried to replace a headstone for him. So for me to purchase a new one would be pointless. It depressed me.....and that vandals were allowed to do that and the graveyard is not taken care of and no one cares....but in the end....he's in Heaven....and he did tell me that he never wanted me to view his body and that he would be in Heaven and not to remember him like that.....he did want a specific writing on is headstone.....but none of his family made sure to do that....he had a basic cheap headstone and that was broken and removed by the vandals....

so I no longer have plans to fly out to the state where he's buried and oversee the stone and make sure to have that writing on it that he wanted.....he's gone along with the marker/headstone.....

dad and replacing his gravestone part 1

 so, apparently where my dad is buried....illegals and whatnot destroyed his gravestone and the place where he's buried don't care and aren't taking care of the grounds...

the gravesite changed their name and it was tricky to find anyone to talk to....got told different stuff....I called different numbers that I could find....

long story short...hoping to call yet another number this week and ask about the proper process to buy a new headstone for my dad and get it replaced...

I plan to make a trip out west where he's buried cos I've only seen his grave twice in my life. he died as I was starting the 8th grade...he was only 42....he had colon cancer. 

if you haven't been through grief...here's the fun ride it takes you on...

for me, I didn't have much time as a kid to grieve his loss. my life literally was changed in a blink of an eye with his death....I lost everything....I lost family, friends, my school, my belongings.....everything. I was shuffled around to various relatives and strangers. how I was treated is another story. 

so grief for my dad...

I remember going to a fun event and feeling guilty that I was doing it without him and without my older sister and my younger brother .....so I sat numb.....and people around me kept telling me to smile and to stop being so sad. also had people tell me to stop looking so man/angry....I wasn't angry....I was just going through grief. 

my dad was an ENTP......he was very charismatic, hardworking...worked up until the last month of his death....was always tinkering with stuff....thought of different stuff to make money that didn't pan out....always making us move every year....always changing vehicles.....moving and selling your house and car to get others takes a lot of money....so much so he couldn't afford to buy a house so we were renting....and he died poor....

what little possessions that he did have and what little possessions that I had...."family" from his side and  my mom's side literally swarm me like vultures and took everything....

my dad's funeral was something else.....all of his coworkers came....there was so many coworkers and friends of his that showed up that they filled the pews and stood all along the wall and in the back. My dad's family filled the first 3 pews closest to where my dad's casket was and where the preacher was talking....my older sister and I was told to sit on the back pews....

my Uncle forced me and my sister....grabbed me by my arms hard....to go view my dad's body after the preacher stopped talking and the funeral was over. I had sworn and promised my dad that I would not view his body...he made me swear to him in the hospital and told me that he did not want me to have a memory of him being sick and dead and wanted me to think of him when he was alive.....

so, my Uncle, who was the oldest of my dad's siblings grabbed me and threw me on my dad's casket and said, "I'm not having you claim some crazy belief that he's still alive and in some state later on. You are going to accept that he's dead and gone right now." 

As a child, I barely saw my dad's siblings, my aunts/uncles and cousins....I can count on one hand how many times I saw them....the eldest Uncle....saw him only once as a child....so to see him as I was starting the 8th grade along with the rest of his family....and having him do that to me in front of everyone at the funeral was odd....he didn't know me...and don't know why he said that....and it upset me that he was forcing me to go against my promise to not view my dad's body that I made to my dad when I saw him as he was dying in the hospital....I saw him a total of 2 times in the hospital....it was difficult to get anyone to give me a ride to go see him. 

During the last time that I saw my Dad....my dad asked me to bring him some chewing gum so that he could have something to chew on....he could no longer keep down anything....I had started babysitting and bought some chewing gum for him and planned to give it to him the following weekend but the phone rang and there was chatter....then I was told along with my older sister....to get in the car and that we were going to McDonalds (we rarely ever ate out at fast food and had never been to a restaurant....so I knew something was up).....we were told that my dad was dead in the car......we both started crying and my 2 cousins started giggling that we were crying. I left the cheap burger in the car.....got out and started running......ran to a park nearby and sat on the bench alone and cried and looked at the bright stars in the sky confused.....just last year my dad was fine......now he was dead....

I was an "accident" and not planned or wanted and my mother let me know that quite often. She had had her son almost 11 years before me and then my older sister.....I came later and then my younger brother....my younger brother was born breach and with the umbilical cord around his neck and survived that...but was left partially paralyzed on the left side of his entire body and brain....this resulted with him also being a severe Autistic...he did not have the ability to talk or do anything independently and I was always told to take care of him. 

I looked at my dad's face.....and stared at his thin body that looked like a child was wearing his dad's suit....it was one of two that that he had and wore to special occasions.....but no longer fit obviously....his face looked like he was in severe pain and a forced smile was made with his mouth....

I felt immense guilt for years for violating my dad's sworn promise to not look at his body after he died....I had reoccurring nightmares, too for over 10 years. 

I was put into the foster care system in Texas and declared a ward of the state of Texas....was odd to have that happen and not get to stay in the state where I had family and where I was mostly raised as a child......I was sent there with just the clothes and purse that I had....all my toys and everything that I had accumulated as a child.....taken away from me in a flash.....Christmas/birthday presents from my dad and toys and clothes.....was not allowed to bring them....my cousins kept some of it and don't know what they did with the rest of my things or my dad's things.....

my purse contained one picture that I had of my dad as well as one of me together with both my dad and my mom....and a card of the footprints in the sand poem that my dad gave me.....I had a lot of quarters from having to take the city bus to and from school and to see friends......

I had just started school in a major city in Texas......I had put my purse on the hook of the bathroom stall and then realized what I had done and turned back around to go back to the bathroom immediately to get my purse......but it was stolen.....I came home with nothing but the school books and told the foster lady.....and in front of the other girls she screamed at me and said that I shouldn't had been so stupid and that having my purse stolen at school was my fault....so I was grounded to my room, given extra chores and had all my privileges (watching tv, listening to music, going to the gym) taken away as a result. Some of the girls giggled about me getting into trouble and whispered to each other as I walked past them to go to my assigned room that I shared with another girl. 

 Almost daily I thought, "why did my dad have to die? why couldn't it had been me? no one cares or loves me. he had a lot of friends and family that cared about him and loved him. It should had been me. He had so many friends and family. I have no one. I have nothing. Why do I exist?"  

grief is a mean unpredictable beast......you can go days....weeks.....months just fine. then pow! all of a sudden a smell, a sound, something familiar, a memory, the anniversary of their death......birthday, holidays.......all brings back the fact that they left and you're still here to live on this awful planet by yourself....

my dad used to make Christmas so fun.....he would ask us what we wanted....and he would do his best to get us exactly what we wanted for Christmas...it was usually just one toy...but we were happy getting that very toy. We were not brought up with the tradition of Santa and I didn't really understand that tradition or know about it until much later on when you're too old to believe in it. We didn't celebrate holidays beyond that....he didn't take us to movies or the mall or anywhere....on two occasions we drove to mountains to bbq and enjoy nature....that was it.....he didn't celebrate my birthday...I never had a birthday cake and didn't know about that tradition either. my birthday is a couple days after Christmas...so I was usually told the gifts that I got where for both....I didn't get anything extra....my older sister would get jealous...she never had a birthday cake either but her birthday was during the summer so she did get a few birthday gifts for her birthday. 

control for thee but not for me part 3

what is another reason for people to want control other than fear? 

narcissism is a huge one...

people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder get off on controlling other people.....they are usually incredibly toxic....love drama....love attention....and thrive off of telling people what to do....

yes, they are hypocrites...duh...and the sky is blue....that is a no-brainer. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....What is it and what's some tale-tale signs to watch for in a person:

• Sense of self-importance.
• Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success.
• Entitled.
• Can only be around people who are important or special.
• Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.
• Arrogant.
• Lack empathy.
• Must be admired.

 

control for thee but not for me part 2

 why do some people want an Authoritarian controlling government?? Why would someone want control over people??

Well, I think several reasons makes a person or persons want a more controlling Authoritarian government....here's what I think are some of the possible reasons:

1. Fear....fear is a very powerful influence that can cloud logical judgment and make someone choose something or someone that isn't right just to feel safe. 

What is something that led to fear? The riots of 2020 during a pandemic where everything was shut down is a huge one....it started out with the family angry at how the cops handled George Floyd (a criminal and drug user with poor health)....yes the cop did become over escalated and handled how he pinned George down in an unsafe way....putting his knee on the neck of a guy that uses the type of drugs that cause heart issues along with poor health with heart issues....of course this was abusive and not a good idea on how to restrain him....no question there....and also no question that the guy was a criminal, on drugs, and had poor health and older....the other cops that were rookie and learning from this cop that was not properly restraining George and watched instead of stepping up from what they learned in their police academy shows once again the power of group think and the power of fear....they probably had no idea how to respond to any of what was happening. But the outrage from first the family of George, then black people and then everyone led to hate for the police.....THEN led to hate and anger towards caucasian/while people....it was strange to see the escalation and scary....

Fires, riots, watching the rioters destroy and torch people's cars, small businesses that had nothing to do with George Floyd or the cops and watching them loot corporate businesses like Apple, expensive tennis shoe stores, etc....it became an entitlement and out of control anger on a whole that has still not calmed down. 

greed rose up with the black lives matters founders that used donated money from people to buy themselves mansions and expensive clothes, etc.....all the celebrities wanted to appear good and put black lives matters in their profile and although did not donate to it....constantly talked about it, especially white liberals.....maybe a small percentage of them actually cared about the treatment of blacks....the rest were group think and going with the society push...

theft, looting, violence has all increased.....some blacks are standing up and saying this is wrong....others are taking advantage of the current situation and allowing greed and entitlement to lead to their bad behaviors.....they might have mental illness and/or also use drugs and alcohol, too....who knows...

but the blacks that have jobs and are successful don't loot and don't set things on fire and aren't participating in the behaviors. some blacks on tick-tock are speaking out against the culture of painting all whites as bad/racist behavior and have high white followers as a result....which could just be a manipulative tactic to get high followers and profit off of it....some genuinely are against all the stuff going on and are wanting peace and hate the current division. 

and the looting of 2020 still hasn't stopped. either pairs or groups of blacks continue to walk straight into a place and take as much as they want and leave....

liberals say that insurance will pay for it...it's a corporate company...."f the white man"....but the thing is....in the big picture...it hurts us all....the business can't continue to profit and stay open and as a result shuts down in locations

control for thee but not for me part 1

 just thinking about people that want socialism and want more of an authoritarian type of nation

first of all, we have a LOT of socialism already in our country thanks to FDR....

FDR came up with all of us having to be identified by a social security number....funny enough this "idea" happened during WWII when Hitler was forcing Jews to be tattooed with numbers to identify them. 

FDR was in talks with Stalin, who decided to turn coat on the Nazi's when he saw how strong they were becoming. If mass murder was a competition, Stalin had waaaaaaaay more kills than Hitler. So, it boggles my mind that FDR and Churchill sided with him. I mean, I get that numbers were better than the lack of numbers...without Russia....America and the UK may not had beaten Hitler....but hard to say...

So, socialism.....what type of programs does America have that are taken advantage of on the tax payer dime? Food Stamps/snap benefits.....more often given to illegals than to American citizens. 

1. For Americans to obtain food stamps/snap benefit card: you have to provide proof of your income or why you don't have an income, all of your medical and pharmacy receipts, 6 months of bank statement, copies of all bills, copy of your lease with your landlord, your driver's license, social security card, birth certificate and all those same types of identification to apply for snap for your kids. 

2. Medicaid/medical, mental health, substance abuse (drugs/alcohol treatment), dental benefits: this is free, and again, easy for illegals and their anchor babies and children to receive. Full pregnancy treatment, delivery, and all checkups for mom and kids. Free dental care that includes braces for the illegal children and anchor babies/children. 

3. Housing assistance....to receive that...you provide proof of income or lack of income, all of your medical receipts, along with prescription receipts, 6 months of bank statements, credit card bills, all bills, your current lease or a statement that shows you have regularly stayed in a homeless shelter, like the Salvation Army, etc. and a letter from an agency advocating for you to have housing assistance. So, housing assistance pays a majority of the rent based off the income received and the person is responsible for the remaining 10% of the cost of rent for an apartment or house...they don't have to rent an apartment and can rent a house. 

Americans that are lower middle class like myself....there is no assistance. Even when I was laid off from my job last year and was denied unemployment benefits....when they asked for a copy of my W2's from last year and my income tax return....I was automatically denied everything. I lived off of my 401k, got a part-time job, and that's how I survived until I finally got a full time job again.