rough day part 3

 I was told by religious people that I was cursed for why I was an orphan. Was told I should had prayed harder for my dad not to have terminal cancer. Was told that I was stupid, ugly and that I had a “black heart as black as the ace of spades” and was going to hell.by one of the foster ladies. I literally had just got home from the school bus along with the other girls in our group home and she said all that to me in front of them. 

So from day one of being orphaned…I’ve been abused in every way…and have felt like its me against the world with no one on my side…not even God. 

From being told so much that I am cursed…I do this virtual group meeting on youtube with this priest that does a prayer over every one as a whole that attends. 

I mowed my backyard tonight despite the 95 degree temperature and was drenched in sweat. Just wanted to take my frustrations out on the lawn for exercise because when I have to sit for 10 or 12 straight hours working…I get super stiff and hurt more. So I fry to stretch and move at least 5 days per week. 

I am trying to forgive my awful managers and coworkers as well as the awful neighbors. They came out as soon as they saw  me on their cameras (aimed at my yard and windows) finish mowing to bully me. They mocked me and brought all their dogs out to go after my dog. I ignored them. Focused on putting the bird feeders back up, emptying my lawn bag into a trash bag, etc. 

Its so hard and lonely. The job is definitely toxic…I definitely meed a new job. The neighbors are terrible…I need to move .

I just wish I had one person in my life to love me and have a home with. But not sure God loves me enough to want that for me. I don’t know why. 

my lease ends in October. I have to start saving to move and get movers this time…I don’t have the strength to move myself again. I am hoping to go to the library to use their computer to update my resume. my laptop doesn’t have Word or Microsoft products and I’m not paying the cray high price to have it. 

thanks for reading xx 

rough day part 2

 so, with trying to get the wireless headphones…and the back and forth with HR…my manager, the other manager and their manager told me that we needed a meeting. so for an hour and a half…I was threatened and told that the chorded headphones was fine…I didn’t need wireless like everyone else on my team…and if I didn’t like it…they would have me drive to the headquarters to work which is a 3 hour drive one way. Then their manager left and the one black lady that made it clear that she hates some of the staff on our team during our interview last year…she said “I’m not done”…and their manager said ok and left and she kept repeating over and over that “you better watch what you say and how you say it. We’re watching you.” No reasons given. No example of what I’ve said. 

From the early age of kindergarten on my report card, my teacher wrote that I was an extremely sweet girl. I’ve always been told that I’m sweet, kind, patient, caring by people. This abusive lady can’t change who I am by just throwing words out there. I’ve lasted at this job for over a year now. But usually toxic bosses that are obvious with favoritism and abuse are quick to fire me. 

People with personality disorders usually really don’t like me. Especially if they also are using drugs or drinking. I suspect they both are…

And I have tried to pray for them. Pray for blessings for them. They both know I rent and not making a big salary. They both have bragged to me about their big houses. I wanted to say its beneath me to listen to them brag but I remained quiet. 

for me as an adult who grew up in foster care…there’s nothing I want more than to find a husband and have a house…a home. I hate feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I hate struggling. 

Most foster kids that age out of the system end up homeless because they don’t have any family or money to support themselves. I was homeless in my 20’s after college. It was hard to find a decent paying job and a job that would give me a chance. I had $500 that I saved and was hoping to keep saving for an apartment but this guy that I met at church and believed he liked…loved me…stole it all  as well as my car. So I had to finance another car and start over. I did pay off my college loans. But I lived in my car, took showers at this gym where I got a cheap membership and ate once a day. I put all my books and belongings in a storage place. So if I needed clothes or something I would go there to get it. It was lonely and scary. I don’t ever want to go through that again. 

rough day part 1

 Its actually been rough longer than today. but going to just write about today…

I try to read a chapter per night in the Bible. I read all the books of the New Testament. Read Daniel. Now I’m reading Psalms, because Psalms immediately fills me with peace. 

But it’s been rough lately so I skipped reading last night. I thought, “maybe if I skip reading tonight the Devil will stop f*cking with me”…..wrong. Today was worse…lol. 

I have the pressure to find another place to rent with rising prices. They always want first and last month, an application fee, a “convenience fee” for using their app and paying with a debit or credit card, deposits, and other fees that they make up to milk you. It sucks. I hate renting. 

I’m working on my credit which is hard because for some odd reason paying off a car loan doesn’t impact it unless you’re late or it’s repossessed. So you’re forced to get a stupid credit card. 

My job is extremely stressful. The positive part of it is that I get to work from home and I pray over some of the cases that I am assigned. I don’t pray for all of them because of being overworked and exhausted from being overworked. I was working 10-12 hour days….guess what…it made no difference with how my two awful narcissistic managers treat me. 

The huge red flag during my interview with the pair of them was one spoke disparagingly about the staff and the other asked me how I handle toxic coworkers. Toxic coworkers are encouraged to be that way from favoritism, gaslighting, abuse of power, and creating a hostile environment. They’ve made it a hostile environment by openly attacking me in front of the team and encouraging the coworkers to go after me. I’m white on a mostly black team, black managers, and the few that are white are extremely liberal and manipulative. My direct boss has lied to me multiple times and gaslights me. I gently but directly confronted her about lying to me recently privately when I had made a request for a medical accommodation. 

I have to wear a headset to talk and type. The previous headset they gave me had a short chord that caused me to hunch. My neck, shoulder and right shoulder are damaged from a patient grabbing me and throwing me. So with hunching I was getting massive migraines from my neck. I was put on meds for the pain and a muscle relaxer. And noticed that I had daily thoughts of wanting to die and just not have to put up with all the b*llsh*t. I noticed some other side effects and then looked at the actual side effects of it all and stopped taking all of it immediately. I wasn’t taking it as prescribed daily…only on days when my pain and migraines were so bad. Anyway, I was given the run around from Human Resources and they kept finding excuses and errors with their form that my doctor completed but I was persistent and they finally agreed to allow me to have wireless headphones. My boss made it clear she was aware that I asked HR for this, etc. 

mowed my backyard

 took me two hours to do my backyard !! I literally mowed just a little over a week ago!! 

Filled this yard trash bag ! it was so heavy ! 

the yard used to be all weeds and dead grass. I pulled all the weeds in the backyard daily for 4 months as well as in the front yard, too. 

I walked over two miles with going over the yard several times to get the grass short ! 

I’m trying to walk twice per week and mow the front yard once per week and mow the backyard separately also once per week. So basically I’m trying to stay active 4 times per week. I consider mowing the lawn as aerobic activity! the activity level along with the heat and the humidity is a lot. I always have to shower because my shirt and pants are soaked with sweat. 

I’m proud of myself. No one taught me how to mow. I figured it out by myself. I have never used a weed eater/edger. I will definitely have to watch some youtube tutorials before I use one. 

thanks for reading:) 

awful neighbors

 so, the direct next door neighbor to me.....the rednecks that have 3 cameras aimed into my yards....they saw me leave to go for a walk the other day and I walked a mile away with my dog and dude followed me in his truck......when he realized I saw him....he sped up and drove away fast. 

the redneck and his buddy, also a redneck along with their partners had threatened to beat up me and my son and kill my dog. his buddy told me to stay inside and to not come out of my home. told the same to my son.....which is impossible. my son has to leave to go to and from his job. I have to leave my house to mow my yard, take out my trash....and get groceries, etc. I can't just stay inside all the time. I pay my rent. that man does not pay a single bill for me. that man is not the owner or manager of the properties and he can't tell me nor my son what to do. 

this is them. the guy in the black shirt is the one that threatened to kill my dog. my direct neighbor and his girlfriend and that guy flipping me off actually has a girlfriend as well. All I was doing at the time was returning from an errand and they all started screaming and cussing at me.

 I had a huge panic attack. They laughed at me. My son got scared and locked me out. So I had to stand at my door and tolerate their abuse until my son let me inside. I probably should had gotten back into my car and drove away but I froze in fear. I couldn’t move. I just kept knocking and asking my son to unlock the top lock and let me in. 

they continue to try to insight violence and get other neighbors to join in with them against me and my son. they saw me talking to the gay black guy and the next day went over to his house to talk to him. they never talked to him until they saw me talking to him and laughing. 

today when I was walking my dog.....I was on the very side of the back roads taking pictures of the flowers. the woman drove her SUV up fast like she was going to run me and my dog down and then honked at me like I was in her way and then swerved and almost flipped her car....lol. There was no traffic....there was no one else around. I was on a back road. she went out of her way to drive and follow me and try to run me and. my dog down. 

so, I keep praying and praying for God to hear my cries to move and be in a safer neighborhood and to have a home of my own. This is not the place for me. 

the neighbors come outside and the guy that threatened to kill my dog immediately comes out and folds his arms and watches me to intimidate me any time he sees me outside talking to anyone that comes to my home, such as maintenance or people trying to sell stuff, etc. 

When I was alone trying to fix my lawn lights.....he came out and stared at me and told me to move. I told him that he could move. I told him again that he's not the manager and rents just the same as me. 

The maintenance workers told me their goal is to bully me until I move so that their friend can move into my duplex unit. 

I’m alone. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. No one seems to care. 

I usually try hard to ignore them. I see their cameras on me as I go to my backyard to take my dog out....

it's wearing me down. 

I used to walk all the time before moving here. Now I rarely go out. I rarely leave. I already work from home and don't see anyone. This is making it worse on me. 

my goal is to leave this town as soon as my lease ends. I have to save up for it. It just sucks. 

their cameras aimed at my backyard and windows…it sucks 

I have tried peaceful ways to block their cameras view…but they just move the angle so they can keep watching me. 

I tried using flowers. and it just doesn’t work. I did buy kites…so when it’s windy…their camera gets filled…lol

mourning loses is like an ocean

 When you lose direct family to death…there are days that you’re ok…and days that you’re not.

Definite times that are tough are the death date anniversaries of my parents…some times holidays…and some times just certain things will remind me of them or what happened to them.

I can’t talk about what triggered me today cos it is patient confidential information. 

I can say it made me stress out about what my son is going to do when I’m gone. 

I’m high risk for colon cancer. my dad died of it quickly when he was 42. He started having issues in his 30’s. I started having symptoms in my 20’s. I went to a doctor and shew blew me off and said I was too young to have it and that I just have anxiety. I paid a copay to that doctor to be treated like that. I got worse. I  was vomiting daily and couldn’t keep anything down. A medical resident (means she completed all her education but was doing her mandatory hours of work under the observation of a doctor). She took me seriously, ordered an emergency GI and I had multiple polyps that were a stage away from cancer. So she saved my life. I saw a specialist after that and was supposed to have annual colonoscopies but couldn’t afford the deductible and all the costs. Then I had my son…a few years later I started grad school. I got super sick again. had another colonoscopy…again multiple polyps a stage away from cancer. Again told I needed to have the colonoscopy every year. But couldn’t afford to do that. 

So I probably should have another one. Its stressful trying to find someone I can trust to transport me to and from that procedure. Plus finding a doctor that has an appointment to do it and takes my insurance and getting PTO (paid time off) saved up so I can take a few days off to do the procedure. Ugh. 

But I know I need to somehow get this done. 

and for some reason I can’t shake being worried about my son driving…he’s still a new driver….only been driving a couple years. My mom died in a car accident. I have had a few close calls with serious accidents. And the Texas heat makes people drive so incredibly aggressive and insane. 

Anyway… grief and death…it comes in waves. can’t predict the waves. they come…just gotta stay above and on top of them. 

getting answers to your prayers

 A lot of people often think that God hasn’t answered their prayers or that since He hasn’t answered their prayers in the past…why bother praying. Or they believe God answered it by saying “no” and again…not really answering their prayer.

The book of Daniel (old testament) shows us that Demons actually are appointed over countries…Based on that…its fair to assume  that there’s Demons over cities, towns, counties, communities, corporations, businesses, etc. 

In Daniel 10: 12-13, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I (the angel) have come in response to them. But the prince (demon) of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty one days. Then Michael one of the chief princes (angels) came to help me. 

Also key to having his prayer answered was the “Daniel fast”. The Daniel fast isn’t starving yourself. In Daniel 10:3, “I ate no choice food, no meat or wine touched my lips, and I used no lotions at all until the three weeks were over.” So basically he didn’t eat sweets, meat, or drink wine. So you can eat vegetables and fruits and drink milk, water, etc….whatever distracts you should also be avoided for a while (social media, tv, etc) 

Fasting…with a humble heart is key to getting a breakthrough in your prayers. So going to God without an attitude of “you owe me this..”…making demands…treating God like Santa…isn’t going to help you. 

In Philippians (new testament) 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests before God.” 

having faith is what Jesus said repeatedly when healing people and doing miracles. faith is the opposite of being anxious. 

I look at my dog…she’s not anxious about my rent and bills…she has faith that I will take care of her needs…feed/water her…take her out to do her business, etc. 

“petition” and some versions of the verse says “supplication” 

petition means “a formal written request typically one signed by many people, appealing to authority with respect to a particular cause.”

petition: “to make or present a formal request to an authority with respect to a particular cause.” 

supplication:”the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly.” 

get a person you trust to pray and petition God with you. 

start your prayer with praising God, singing to Him, and thanking Him. 

I make a list of prayers that God has already answered because it gives me strength and faith to know He does love me and cares about taking care of me as His child.

Read Psalms….Davis starts out scared and troubled then ends with praises and thanking God. 

Just as you want to give gifts and help those you care about…God wants to do that even more. We are created in his image so we have characteristics like our “dad”…God. So it’s ok to ask for things you want as well as what you feel you need. God wants to bless us. “We have not because we ask not”…so ask Him. 

yellow watermelon

 I like to try new foods sometimes…I’ve always encouraged my son to try new foods as well…so he’s not a picky eater. 

I saw this yellow watermelon at my grocery store so I bought it. My som likes it. I’m not keen for it. If you try it thinking it will be as sweet at regular red watermelon you’ll be disappointed. It tastes similar to red watermelon but its not sweet. 

my dog liked it lol