mourning loses is like an ocean

 When you lose direct family to death…there are days that you’re ok…and days that you’re not.

Definite times that are tough are the death date anniversaries of my parents…some times holidays…and some times just certain things will remind me of them or what happened to them.

I can’t talk about what triggered me today cos it is patient confidential information. 

I can say it made me stress out about what my son is going to do when I’m gone. 

I’m high risk for colon cancer. my dad died of it quickly when he was 42. He started having issues in his 30’s. I started having symptoms in my 20’s. I went to a doctor and shew blew me off and said I was too young to have it and that I just have anxiety. I paid a copay to that doctor to be treated like that. I got worse. I  was vomiting daily and couldn’t keep anything down. A medical resident (means she completed all her education but was doing her mandatory hours of work under the observation of a doctor). She took me seriously, ordered an emergency GI and I had multiple polyps that were a stage away from cancer. So she saved my life. I saw a specialist after that and was supposed to have annual colonoscopies but couldn’t afford the deductible and all the costs. Then I had my son…a few years later I started grad school. I got super sick again. had another colonoscopy…again multiple polyps a stage away from cancer. Again told I needed to have the colonoscopy every year. But couldn’t afford to do that. 

So I probably should have another one. Its stressful trying to find someone I can trust to transport me to and from that procedure. Plus finding a doctor that has an appointment to do it and takes my insurance and getting PTO (paid time off) saved up so I can take a few days off to do the procedure. Ugh. 

But I know I need to somehow get this done. 

and for some reason I can’t shake being worried about my son driving…he’s still a new driver….only been driving a couple years. My mom died in a car accident. I have had a few close calls with serious accidents. And the Texas heat makes people drive so incredibly aggressive and insane. 

Anyway… grief and death…it comes in waves. can’t predict the waves. they come…just gotta stay above and on top of them.